CABO SAN LUCAS – Following a month of tedious planning and disciplined preparation, five students had their spring break trip temporarily derailed by the endless complaints of one member in a short-term relationship. The aggravating party, one Calvin Ulysses Cole-Kent, derailed his group’s good times with what has been described as “boner-like tendencies” and “typical Cal cuck bullshit.”
“If I wanted to have a woman along, I would have asked that Caroline chick with the huge jugs in Phi Zeta. At least then I’d have something to look at while I ignored an endless stream of catty bullshit,” said Cooper Freeman, a senior at Southeastern Alabama University. “This is my last spring break, God willing and the creek don’t rise, and I was planning to do a bunch of illegal shit without someone bitching or answering his phone when we’re trying to score some cocoa snuffs. That Cortez guy was really pissed.”
His friends consider their near execution at the hands of a deranged drug dealer to be Cole-Kent’s most egregious breach of conduct, but it hasn’t been his only. Cole-Kent has been documented as passive-aggressively monitoring his friends’ drinking habits and generally making references to his girlfriend’s existence. Wolf Lee, the youngest of the group at 21 “in Mexico years,” provided some background on the relationship between Cole-Kent and his paramour.
“I thought being a JI meant the worst part of this trip was going to be hauling luggage, but Cal shut down that theory. Him and Sarah have been together for two weeks and we already hate her. We’ve had this trip planned since January and ol’ Cuck just had to get locked down by a real clinger. I know he’s got trust issues since the last time he was with a girl, she snapchatted him videos of herself getting railed out by the entire offensive line, but he didn’t need to make that our problem. Zeke already took a shot to the face from the starting right guard for him, but I guess that’s not enough. Some fellas are never satisfied.”
Following a particularly hostile confrontation with friend Rodman Oakman, which resulted in a brief shove fest and comments including “Samantha’s taken more loads than the Union Pacific Railroad,” Cole-Klein locked himself in his room and has been unavailable for comment. “She’s actually a really nice girl,” Oakman clarified, “but his getting offended was probably the best thing that could’ve happened to this trip. He kept skeezing out chicks with his girlfriend bullshit. Now, with him out of our hair, maybe we can get some trim that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg in this bitch.”
Fifth year senior Zeke Collins couldn’t be bothered with an interview, as he was busy dancing with unnamed women and attempting to drink all the beer in Mexico..