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Up and down the Laguna Madre, from Corpus Christi to South Padre, college students are beginning to flock to the sun-bleached barrier islands looking to score that perfect spring break for a week of bliss, and quite often, debauchery. Assisting in the cause this year is local establishment Diablito’s. Trying to maximize profits during this crucial tourist time, owner Daniel Dos Santos has been eager to do whatever it takes to bring in some of these college coeds to his bar.
“I’m first-generation immigrant. I don’t party, know the scene or the words. I just want my business to make some monies for my family. We still speak Spanish at home, for sake,” commented Dos Santos. “What do I know? These white kids, they come to our beaches to act like crazy people for a few weeks. And that’s fine, they bring good money. But what they want to do? I want give that to them.”
And so, taking a cue from some of the larger clubs around the country, Diablito’s announced an exclusive foam party to be held inside their much more modest space. Replete with a few Amazon-ordered black lights, a Party City disco ball, and several gallons of Dawn dish soap, Daniel was ready to get to work.
“Lot of effort transforming the bar. Plastic sheets along the floor, setting up lights, fluffing the dish liquid. Fortunately, I had several cousins around to help,” remarked Dos Santos.
And so, last Friday, the fruits of Daniel’s labor began to pay off. Patrolling the nearby beaches, Dos Santos was able to sell all 350 of his neon wristbands within the hour. As it turns out, intoxicated college students don’t need much of a sales pitch for a foam party.
By the time doors opened at 10, the mob of drunken partygoers lined up outside had nearly pressed down the walls trying to get in. Reports of parking lot handies, sloppy makeouts, and even an unconfirmed case of coitus were circulating around the crowd. Unfortunately for the students and Dos Santos, things would only get dirtier from there.
From the moment the first unwashed bikini bottom touched the virgin bubbles, the entire scene became quickly mired in a bacteria-laden cesspool complete with almost every sexually-transmitted disease possible. The moist, warm environment acted as a giant Petri dish, cultivating rapid growth of whatever bacteria contacted the foamy liquid. With multiple open-air finger bangs happening simultaneously to the beat of Pitbull’s “Give Me Everything,” the STD swarm was given multiple points of origin, only increasing the rapidity with which it spread.
“What? I’m sorry, I can’t…Oh, yeah, it was pretty gross in there,” slurred Ryan Sloan, a UTEP partygoer from across the state. “My boy Matt got a tug out on the dance floor, but accidently blew his load straight into the bubbles next to this girl getting her puss popped. Pretty sure some pregnancies might be floating around in there, braski.”
Scientists from nearby South Texas College analyzing human bacteria were called in to collect samples from the aftermath. In addition to cataloging nearly every seminally-spread disease known to science, the researchers also discovered three new hybrid bacteria they weren’t even aware existed.
“It was truly shocking,” implored senior researcher Allen Houang. “I’ve never been more disturbed as a scientist or even as a regular person before in my life. The fact that actual humans were exposed to this soup of single-celled organisms is a major health catastrophe in and of itself. Given the horrible sanitary conditions already in place courtesy of Mr. Dos Santos, the bar was in no away equipped, physically or financially, to do this type of event safely. Combined with the particularly depraved spirit of the spring breakers participating in the party, there really was a perfect storm for the bacterial menageries to spread and even form novel genotypes.”
Despite the public outcry and swirling health concerns over the ramifications of the foam fest, Dos Santos claims he made too much money to stop this kind of event from happening again. In addition, the university students he caters to seem either unaware or too drunk to care, and so not much can be done to break this chain of supply and demand..