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Spiders Could Eat Every Human On Earth If They Worked Together, So Don’t Let Them Find Out

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Stop what you’re doing, drop everything, and listen up because I’ve got some horrific news. Please don’t shoot the messenger.

You know how your girlfriend is scared of spiders? And how as soon as one crawls into the room, she screams like a heavy metal singer on a coke binge and immediately demands that you murder that little eight legged dude in cold blood with her purple flip flop? She wasn’t being melodramatic or irrational. These motherfuckers are dangerous.

Scientists recently stumbled upon the shocking discovery that spiders could kill and eat every human being on Earth if they wanted to. And on top of that, it would only take about a year. The only thing that’s stopping them? They don’t know this yet.

DON’T. LET. THEM. FIND. OUT.

Experts have determined that the weight of the worlds spider population altogether is 29 million tons. That’s the equivalent to the weight of 478 Titanics. The journal of Science of Nature recently published that spiders overall consume anywhere from 400 million to 800 million tons of prey in any given year. The total weight of all the humans on Earth is only 287 million tons. Oh fuck.

From The Washington Post:

Or, for a slightly more disturbing comparison: The total biomass of all adult humans on Earth is estimated to be 287 million tons. Even if you tack on another 70 million-ish tons to account for the weight of kids, it’s still not equal to the total amount of food eaten by spiders in a given year, exceeding the total weight of humanity.

In other words, spiders could eat all of us and still be hungry.

So due to their crushing weight if they all worked together, and their massive appetites and their power in numbers, if they wanted to murder everyone, we can’t do shit about it. Are you pissing your jeans yet? If not, let me hit with some more numbers.

To put this possible atrocity into perspective, the world population is approximately 7.125 billion people, and 2,996 people died in 9/11. I crunched the numbers, and if the spiders attacked us, it’d be like 2,378,170 9/11s.

So stock up on machine guns and grenades. Study jiu jitsu and start lifting weights. Train yourself and be prepared. Because they are coming. This could be the end. Anytime you see a spider, stab it in the throat repeatedly and immediately. We don’t have much time until they find out what they’re truly capable of.

And whatever you do, don’t tell any spiders about this. We can’t let them find out.

[via The Washington Post]

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM’s most beloved writer

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