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Sorry You’re Ugly

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Once again, we are back to the angry rage, folks. Sorry, but it’s been too long and a lot has really been pissing me off. This week it’s women, and not just any women. I’m talking about the worst kind of women. The ones that go out on a fucking war path in the name of equal rights, but still manage to complain about chivalry being dead. They use the word chauvinist like it’s going out of style, and they get a real lezzy boner. Holy shit, spell check didn’t correct “lezzy.” They’d be super pissed. Anyway…they get a real lezzy boner any time they get to argue about the media distorting our perception of beauty with advertising and supermodels. That’s where my angry rage comes into play. Why the hell are people getting up in arms about the fact that beautiful people saturate our media?

This all started when a female friend of mine showed me a Dove advertisement that demonstrated how Photoshop and airbrushing techniques are used to make solid sixes look like elevens.

“Isn’t that horrible?” she said in disgust as the girl was poked and prodded by little brushes and tweezers.

“What, that they tweezed her unibrow?” I said back.

She was upset that I wasn’t taking it seriously, but keep in mind there is a reason this girl is just a friend. She isn’t a six, but she most certainly isn’t a ten either. And that’s when I realized it: the people that really care about all of this shit aren’t exactly the prettiest. Apparently there is a group of people who don’t understand how you can judge others based on appearances. These people are probably ugly, and their argument is kind of preposterous when you really think about it.

Who the hell are you to judge society for judging people based on appearances? Sure, there are plenty of ugly people that have great personalities. I’d rather talk to the girl who can take a joke rather than the bitch who has been riding her good looks since high school where she failed to develop a personality. But the fact remains; I’m never going to sleep with the fuggo who likes a good joke. I mean shit, would you buy a porterhouse if the thing had a green splotch in the center of it? Of course not. No matter how good of a cut that steak is, you know you’re passing on it because of its appearance (I can’t wait to read the hate mail for that slab of meat analogy).

All of my “coldness” aside, we make judgments based on first appearances. I will definitely say I’d rather date a girl with a good personality, but the first thing that’s going to make me walk her way is how I think she’ll look naked. I shouldn’t be ridiculed for saying that, because every guy thinks that way. If “your man” says otherwise, he’s either lying or his balls must feel pretty nice in that vice grip you have on them. Why the hell are people getting mad about advertisements making people aesthetically pleasing to look at? Personality doesn’t translate to still frames, so girls get airbrushed when their sense of humor isn’t adding points to the total. The whole point of advertising is to draw you in. It’s not some big seedy conspiracy to make little girls wish they looked like everyone in the ads. I know some people have flaws they can’t change, but tough shit. Learn to bat in your league.

If you honestly get an inferiority complex from watching the Victoria Secret fashion show, you need to get a grip. You know what’s more unattractive than those five pounds you can’t lose, ladies? Low self-esteem. No one wants to be with someone who can’t be comfortable in their own skin, and if you aren’t…change it. Put down the fork, go for a run, DO SOMETHING, but for the love of GOD don’t blame your personal problems on society.

The best part about all of this is the simple fact that most of these susy-do-rights who preach about double standards treating women unfairly completely neglect the fact that men are portrayed the same way in the media. Every motherfucker in a movie has a six-pack, but you don’t see guys crying because they don’t look like Brad Pitt. Just like the girls who can’t realize they won’t ever look like Jessica Alba, if you are one of those guys who sit in the gym and “blast their pecs” all day for that “perfect cut,” get a fucking life. No one likes a diva, whether it’s a woman or a man.

My point is this: all of these people who feel like victims because of their short comings in the beauty department need to wake up and stop trying to place the burden on society. There’s a reason no one wants to see Rosie O’Donnell rocking a g-string on the cover of Maxim, and Jack Black won’t be the newest sex-idol for tween girls to swoon over. That’s just not their place in the world. It’s a lot easier to change your lifestyle and lose some pounds than change everyone into thinking that big is beautiful.

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Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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