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Someone Needs to Punch Rand Paul in His Stupid Ginger Face

There’s a relatively straightforward bill sitting in the United States Senate right now. It’s helpful and simple and so non-offensive that it has almost complete bipartisan support as well as support from the White House. The bill is called “Senate bill (S.1940),” and its purpose is to reauthorize the National Flood Insurance Program (NFIP).

“By requiring the Federal Emergency Management Agency to move to full risk-based premium rates for certain properties, the bill would strengthen the NFIP’s financial position and increase its ability to fund future claims. The bill would also reduce flood risk and increase the resiliency of communities to flooding,” the White House statement said.

Oh my gosh! This bill sounds great! It seems like an especially good time to extend it since the initial program expires this July. After all, flooding is going to be a concern for many Americans now that hurricane/tropical storm season is kicking up again. Honestly it’s good to see Republicans and Democrats working together in the interest of the American people. Democracy at its finest if you ask me.

Oh wait, what’s that? Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky has a problem with bill? Hmm… okay… I mean, if there’s a loose end that needs to be tied up then yeah let’s go ahead and tie it up. So what exactly does Senator Paul think is missing from this bill about flood insurance? Why there’s nothing in there about abortion! That’s what!

Rand Paul is holding up the bill until the Senate passes an amendment, an amendment on the FLOOD INSURANCE bill, defining when life officially begins. Because of this the bill may not go through at all now.

Rand Paul talks about abortion more than two gossipy secretaries who work at the front desk of an abortion clinic.

Secretary 1: Oh did you see that girl who just left? She goes to my son’s school. Dates the quaterback. Guess I know how they celebrated the big win last week.

Secretary 2: Honey I seen her in here five times this year. That girl needs to get a punch card! (*laughs*)

Secretary 1: FOR ALL HER ABORTIONS! (*laughs*)

Secretary 2: Mmmmhmmm…. Abortion.

At this point I’m pretty sure that Rand Paul has a fever, and the only prescription is more abortion debate.

When reporters asked Senator Paul about his demand for an amendment defining the official beginning of life he told them, “I think the people who believe in protecting life would like to see a vote.”

Yeah, maybe, except for the ones that Tropical Storm Debby is currently taking a shit on. My guess is they’re more concerned about the future of their homes than whether life begins sloppily in the back corner of a foam party or at a completely random point two months later.

Rand Paul, you are an asshole. You are a counterproductive, self serving asshole with the creepy smile of a windowless van owner. Every time someone hates a Republican, you’re anywhere between 20 to 100 percent responsible. Seriously, you’re MINIMUM 20% responsible at any give time.

I’d also argue that even pro-lifers should be upset with this move by Senator Paul. Obnoxious tactics like this doesn’t exactly engender support for a cause that’s already extremely controversial. Rand Paul consistently makes a joke of his own party and many of its causes. Someone should punch him in his stupid ginger face.

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