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Soccer? Really?

Most of y’all are gonna hate this. If I had to guess three things about the average person who will read this, it would be that they are moderately intoxicated, yell at the TV anytime Obama is shown, and probably hate the shit out of soccer. It’s always been an uphill battle for me to convince my pledge brothers that soccer is not only legal in the United States, but actually a great sport to watch. Trust me, none of your comments on this article will surprise me.

“Soccer is a third-world sport that poor kids play because a shitty ball is all they can afford.”

“We already have a sport called football here, and it’s for men.”

“I’d kick a ball too if I was a bitch.”

“Any sport where the players can wear hair gel is for pussies.”

I’ve endured all kinds of idiotic arguments, because I love all sports, and I’m fine with it. However, considering the soccer-related events of the last week, I feel compelled to at least attempt to convert some of my fellow fraternity men across the country.

Sport:

Anyone that says playing soccer is easy has never tried taking a ball down the field using only their feet while other players equally as quick and agile attempt to steal said ball. It also balances teamwork with individual skill. In basketball, a team can make the playoffs with only one star player. In football and baseball, your team can have one or several of the best players in the league and still embarrass all of your fans (I’m looking at you, Cowboys). In soccer, you need an entire team of good players to maintain the flow of the game. But you still need your stars to take over in crunch time and perform something acrobatic and amazing to pull out the W.

Competitiveness:

Ok, it’s true. A lot of soccer players are pussies. Flops are a big problem, and you’re more likely to see a bench-clearing brawl in church league softball than on the soccer pitch. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m referring to the intensity of the fans. Obviously college football takes first when it comes to rivalries and fanhood, but in professional sports, it’s hard to beat a soccer club’s fan base. Even at MLS games, you’ll see thousands of fans going nuts, never sitting down and throwing almost as much beer as they’re drinking. When our other sports are in their offseason, it’s hard to beat finding another reason to drunkenly yell at people in opposing colors.

Patriotism:

I know that the basic principles of the game will probably not convince many of you. We’ve had footballs and baseball bats in our hands since before we could walk, and many of us were trained to instinctively reject soccer. So if you can’t bring yourself to get into the sport for the sport’s sake, then do it for America. It’s cool to win international competitions in basketball, tennis, golf etc, but it’s almost expected that the US be dominant in sports that enjoy massive domestic appeal. But if we really want to increase our awesome level, we also need to win at the things we don’t even like. It’s like when your fraternity’s intramural coordinator tries to coerce everyone into playing the shitty sports no one likes to win in overall points. It’s not about playing a game you like, it’s about making sure those douchers in the rival house can’t say shit to us.

After all of this, have I convinced you? Probably not. And that’s fine. All I’m asking is for you to tone down the hate a little bit and make sure to wear red, white and blue to the bar during the World Cup. That’s all. I look forward to your angry comments.

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