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Everybody jerks off. Jerking off has been the most popular hobbies in the country ever since it was invented by Bono in 1987.
Statistically speaking, most men discover masturbation at age 11 (or 7 if you live in Florida).
Most dudes jerk off every day. You’re probably jerking off right now as you read this is, and I don’t blame you. My boyish charm is undeniable; I get off on my articles, too.
But there’s nothing worse than getting caught jerking. NOTHING. There are innocent men doing life in prison right now who were falsely convicted of murder who are thinking, “Well, at least I didn’t get caught wackin’ off.”
So in the future, if you’re ever grappling your gorilla, you need to be prepared for the possible emergency. Here is a comprehensive guide for when you get caught trying to churn your own butter. The guide is divided into categories based on who catches you in the act.
1. A Parent
This is arguably the worst case scenario. The idea of getting caught by a parent when you’re in your room burping the worm is worse than any horror movie. So here’s what you should do.
If it’s your mom, you need to pretend you that your hand was just possessed by some evil spirit, and it was attacking your private area in some weird haunted scenario. Tell her that you just said a bunch of prayers in your head that sent the evil spirit back to hell and that you’re safe now.
If it’s your dad, guilt-trip him. You need to be like a kid in one of those old drug PSAs and scream “I LEARNED IT FROM YOU! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!” This will make him question his quality of parenting, and he’ll realize how his insufficient efforts to raise you have corrupted your mind. He’ll immediately leave the room and write a sad poem about it on Tumblr.
This is slightly less awkward than getting caught by a parent, but still extremely uncomfortable. It’s your sibling, and you don’t want them to see you arm wrestling your own one-eyed champ.
If it’s a brother, it depends on if they’re older or younger. If they’re younger, quickly stop and get very calm and zen-like. Say this: “One day you will learn all of this by yourself.” It’s powerful foreshadowing in the crossroads of life, and it makes you feel like a Kung Fu master and/or Jedi talking to an apprentice. If they’re older, tell them to leave immediately, and if they say anything than you’ll tell your parents about the one time they tried cocaine at a 2 Chainz concert.
If it’s an older sister, tell her that you’re a male and that this is a necessary and normal thing, and they need to leave and pretend they never saw it. If it’s a younger sister… move away.
Pretty awkward, but much less awkward than a family member. If I’m boxing with Richard, I’d rather get caught by a friend than a parent or sibling.
If it’s a female friend, you have multiple options. The best and most obvious option is to apologize, and in a few months it’ll be a funny story for you guys to tell at parties and shit. But, if you wanna take a risk, when your female buddy catches you milking your mongoose, you could tell her that she should come join you and help you finish, and that you guys should take your friendship to the next level. Best case scenario: You either hook up with her, or she just rolls her eyes and laughs. Worst case scenario: She stabs you in the eye with her car keys.
If it’s a male friend, tell him to get the fuck outta your room. And that he shouldn’t judge you. If he’s being a dick about it, just say this: “Well at least I’m not fucking a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like you did that one time in 7th grade, Kevin!” He’ll feel ashamed and confused because he didn’t fuck that sandwich, but it’ll make him think.
This is the best case scenario, because it’s not really a big deal if your girlfriend catches you faxing the pope.
Tell her to come help you. This will probably work, and unlike your female platonic friend, she won’t strangle you with dental floss for suggesting this. Maybe she’ll help, or maybe she won’t be in the mood because she’s still emotionally exhausted from watching Old Yeller yesterday.
But here’s the important thing to remember, gentlemen: If your girlfriend gets mad, break up with her immediately. Any GF that gets mad at you for gripping your pencil is literally a serial killer and you need to safely get away from her as soon as possible.
So those are your tips for avoiding awkwardness if you get caught electing your president. Keep them in mind the next time you jerk, you disgusting douchebags..
Image via YouTube
Check out today’s episode of the Inside TFM Podcast. Special guest, comedian Steven Crowder, tells us about his terrifying showdown with Trigglypuff at UMass, and we answer more of your deranged, drunken questions via phone and email. Listen below: