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Snapchat’s Snap Map Might Be The Downfall Of Western Society

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Snapchat released their own version of “Find My Friends” and I highly recommend you never use it.


Here’s my issue with letting people know where I am at all times: I’m almost never where I say I am and I’m never doing what I say I’m doing. Lying to my friends and family about these things is actually one of my favorite hobbies. In fact, apart from blacking out on the weekends and masturbating before bed, it’s the only thing in my life that I do with any consistency.

“I’m 5 minutes from your place” – I haven’t left my apartment yet

“I’m with my boss at a work function” – I’m getting drunk with my ex at happy hour

“I’m driving over to a Broadway show ” – I’m walking to a rub ‘n tug on 31st and 8th

This is just a small sample of the many lies I execute on a daily basis. They are necessary, effective, and easy to perform lies that can only fail if I have something like Snap Map blowing up my spot. That’s why I’ll never go off ghost mode. Snap Map is nothing more than a downloadable snitch. A two-timing rat. Nothing good can come from Snap Map.

These days when I go out I’m already 75 percent compromised due to my friends’ incessant snapping of every moment of every night. I used to be able to black out, dance like a moron, make out with a whale, fall on my face, get into a screaming match with a cab driver, and wake up feeling fine about myself. Not anymore. In 2017 all of those things are caught on camera and simultaneously broadcast on 15 different social platforms – There I am, dancing like an epileptic on someone’s Snapchat story, spilling beer all over myself on a friend’s Instagram story, being carried out by my head and then put in in a chokehold by a bouncer on Youtube etc. I used to enjoy going out. Now I watch one video of me from the night before and I hate everything about my life.

The only sliver of personal privacy that still remains is when I’m completely alone, going to places I shouldn’t be going, and doing things I shouldn’t be doing. It’s all I have left. And I’m not downloading some stupid app that strips me of that last piece of bad-decision-making freedom. Besides, with all of these social platforms everybody already knows what everyone else is doing. The last thing we need is more transparency.

What we really need is more lying and more deceit. We need to be harder to find. We need to be more mysterious. Nothing drives chicks crazier than a mysterious man. You think James Bond got so much tail because Snap Map showed women his exact location at all times? No. He pounded hundreds of exotic women because he was secretive. Women were drawn to him because he would disappear and sever all communications. Then he’d casually appear back on the scene and he’d have his pick of the litter. It’s called scarcity, and it creates demand. So instead of downloading Snap Map, I’m going to continue to be misleading. I’m going to continue to hide my true whereabouts and intentions, and maybe one day I can stop drunkenly making out with whales and find me a nice exotic woman.

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Ryco is a middling writer and a wildly mediocre stand-up comedian. He runs the unsuccessful Dead Jesters Sketch Comedy Podcast on iTunes.

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