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Girls have a way with words. And by that I mean they rarely say what they mean. Particularly in college, the women that you may find yourself interacting with seem to treat direct conversation like a jigsaw puzzle at the end of a mental corn maze. There’s definitely a right answer, but navigating that bomb field is like trying to wrangle a rabid wildebeest: damn near impossible.
In addition to these dubious feats of mental gymnastics, girls love to define things. For the same reason that they have thirty-two separate variations on a dress, they have an urge to label all the aspects of their life into special categories, and that includes their relationships. While men tend to think in binary yes-or-no terms, girls tend to be more irrational and unjustified than a bandwagon Buckeyes fan.
Combine these two characteristics, and you may soon find yourself staring down one of the most awkward questions ever posed to another human being — you will be asked to define your relationship. The trick to answering this question without damaging any feelings, yet still maintaining a casual hookup status, is to anticipate it coming. The element of surprise is ultimately what spells defeat. Remove the surprise, think things through, and the odds will be tilted in your favor. I’m here to give you a few helpful tips on when you can expect your former slam to put in her two-weeks notice for a new label.
First, instead of previously hiding you from her friends like a late-night meal of ranch-covered curly fries, she will begin to encourage you to come to her social gatherings. Nothing major, maybe meeting them all out at the bar or swinging through a mutual tailgate, but the moment she starts showing you off, you can bet she’s contemplating an upgrade. As much as girls may deny it, they enjoy parading their conquests around just as much as us guys do. Like a pack of wide-eyed gazelles wandering the parched African savannah, you’re the latest watering hole and everyone wants to come gather around for a drink. Her friends need to approve first, and stalking you on social media can only get a person so far.
Speaking of social media, a first appearance by your face on any of her social platforms is another huge indication. Her Instagram account is her life and the moment you breach that barrier you become something else entirely. In addition to the huge increase in likes she’ll receive by including a dude, you can be assured that flitting through her mind the entire time she was choosing a filter was the potential of you two totally ending up together. Nothing spells loneliness faster than a reposted throwback to time when she actually had a boyfriend. And after all, her longest-lasting relationships (with pumpkin spice and infinity scarves) are there, so you may as well be too. If you’re in her ‘gram, then she’s not just a slam.
The final indication that the girl you’re totally keeping it casual with wants to be on full-time status is a bit more subdued, even by female standards. In addition to probably drinking less around you, texting you in the daytime and faking a genuine interest in your friends, she’ll more than likely start asking you for your opinion. On things. And expecting a response.
When a girl is just using you to hookup, which actually happens all the time despite popular belief, she doesn’t really give two shits what you think about. She assumes your ideas are dumb, which they probably are, and that you wouldn’t wan to share them anyways. But when she wants something more, she needs to know that your mind is as up to snuff as your body. So she’ll start asking you questions, which she probably already has answered in her head, waiting for you to come up with those answers. If you notice she starts texting you asking you what you think about her new boots, or what her friend Helena should do about Scott, or even about what alcohol she should bring to the pregame, you can bet she’s about to ask you an even bigger question; what is our relationship? Be prepared.
Ultimately, if you want to keep your slam on a need-to-bone basis, it’s going to take some work. You want to be there for her enough that she doesn’t get tired and leave you for a chump talking about social justice, but you also don’t want to be so involved that she starts depending on you. In other words, channel your inner delinquent dad and always have an excuse at the ready. Nothing drives home your confident nonchalance like a well-rehearsed alibi, and fostering a need for your attention is the best way to keep an interested slam on the line. With these tips, you can be better prepared to craft your silver-tongued response to the wretched relationship question. It’s a confusing world out there, and we need all the help we can get.
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