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I’m Sick And Tired Of Russia Interfering With American Sports Leagues

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ilya kovalchuk russia

My sports teams always find new and exciting ways to frustrate me and make my life hell. I’m a New Jersey Devils fan, and one player in particular has made my existence extra painful. Instead of placing the blame on him, however, I’m taking a page out of the Democratic National Committee’s playbook and placing the blame solely on Russia.

For those who don’t know who I’m talking about, it’s Ilya Kovalchuck. Kovalchuk was a former Russian NHL superstar whom the Devils traded for and signed to a contract so big that it literally broke NHL rules. After a few years with the Devils, Kovalchuck fake retired from the NHL to follow his Red Russia tendencies and get a bigger contract playing in a Russian league called the KHL that’s nothing more than a cheap imitation of what Canadians and Americans do better. He bent the Devils over and screwed them without buying them dinner first. Ever since then, he’s been in the top five of my shit list in between Tom Cruise and Lena Dunham.

Every year since he left there’s been talk of him trying to come back, but I’ve always trusted Mexican tap water more than those rumors. This summer, there was actually a serious chance he might turn his back on motherland Russia like a reformed Cold War spy and return. Keeping with the track record of nothing going right for New Jersey, however, he decided not to. What made the story interesting was that, according to CBS News, Kovalchuk decided to stay put because Putin and friends convinced him to do so. Putin apparently wanted Kovalchuk to stay and play in Russia since it’s an Olympic year and NHL players are barred from participating in the winter games.

There it is, folks. Undeniable evidence that Russia is interfering with our sports leagues. Just when you thought they where content with only meddling with our elections, they had to go and get involved with our hockey as well. Back in my day, we’d call that terrorism. CNN should be covering this instead of tracking down some dude who made a WWE Trump meme on Reddit. I’m waiting for former FBI Director James Comey to testify before Congress about the ongoing investigation. All of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s Russia ties need to be uncovered, and, while we’re at it, maybe Sidney Crosby should release his tax returns to make sure there are no Russian rubles flowing through Pittsburgh. After all, he is pretty close to Evgeni Malkin.

Plus, who knows: maybe the Russian interference in our sports doesn’t stop at the National Hockey League? Maybe last year it was the Kremlin that convinced Kevin Durant to leave the Oklahoma City Thunder and go to the Golden State Warriors. Maybe it was Vladimir Putin himself who deflated those footballs in the 2014 AFC Championship game. And just when you think it might stop there, you can’t help but wonder if maybe it was Russia itself that injected those Biogenesis steroids directly into A-Rod’s ass. Russia may have influenced soccer too, but I’d actually welcome that; it might make the game interesting and worth watching.

Who knows if the allegations of Russia and Putin convincing Kovalchuk to stay in Russia are true? I sure as hell don’t, but in the age of today’s social media politics I’m going to pretend I do and say I’m offended by it and that a full-scale investigation and sanctions against Russia should be taken. We have to stand up for and defend what makes this nation great: our organized sports and their overpaid athletes. And I’ll be deep in the ground before I let some relapsed commies have it otherwise.

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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