Everyone has a sexual bucket list.
Mine is pretty simple:
∙ Have sex with a girl while Morgan Freeman narrates it
∙ Watch Morgan Freeman have sex with a girl while I narrate it
∙ Have sex with Morgan Freeman while a girl narrates it
You probably have a sexual bucket list, too. And one of the things you might wanna try out with your insignificant other is shower sex. And because of this, you’re a delusional bag of rhino shit.
Look, the shower is a wonderful and purposeful place. It’s where you get clean so you don’t smell like garbage and poor decisions. It’s where you sing your favorite songs without being judged and practice your AA speeches. But it is not a good place for sexual relations.
You’re probably pretty confident in yourself. You’re thinkin’, “Hey, speak for yourself, homo, I can have shower sex if I want.” Well, you’re wrong, Chad. Let me walk you through the process of attempting to fuck a girl in the shower.
You and your girlfriend decide to spice things up and take a shower together. Plus it saves water, which helps the environment. So the good news is, when you try shower sex, at least you ARE saving the world.
So you’re showering together and you decide to fuck. The water is nice and hot, but the stream from the shower head isn’t wide enough to pour on both of you at the same time. So whenever you’re not under the water you’re super cold and uncomfortable, you’re shivering like you’re having a seizure like that tiny white dude from Eight Crazy Nights.
On top of that, the uncomfortable coldness is shriveling your dick up quicker than a melting popsicle on the sun. Let’s be honest, you’re only like five inches hard — three soft — so when you’re cold, your cock is so tiny you need a microscope to see it. That’s OK, though. It’s not your fault, Chad.
But the fucking is impossible, mostly because of the angling. You’re both standing up in a tiny piece of space and your johnson just can’t slant in the right direction.
You try every position that you think will work. Standing up, doggstyle, the Toby Maguire, nothing seems to work.
Best case scenario, you make like the Pope Benedict XVI and just quit before you die. Worst case scenario, the angling attempts are just too stressful for little jimmy and you snap your cock and break it. Either that or you slip in the shower, crack your skull wide open, bleed to death, and your newly-single girlfriend goes and fucks Pope Benedict XVI.
So there’s your cautionary tale. Your fair warning. Thanks for reading, and beware of shower fucking..