The newest addition to the DC Cinematic Universe hit theaters this past weekend and going in, expectations were about as high as the Rotten Tomato scores of the previous three DC films. Man Of Steel was about as fun as an IFC meeting. Then came Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. That should have been a slam dunk, but got about as close to jamming it home as a cigarette-addicted 5th year during an intramural game. Last summer we got Suicide Squad, a film that took the bar set by its predecessors, attached cement blocks to it, and sent it so far into the depths of the ocean that it interrupted Aquaman in the middle of a story he was telling about the newest addition to his tribal tattoo collection.
So if you’re wary about coughing up $15 bucks to see a movie made by people who seem to be actively trying to ruin your childhood, I understand. That’s why I took the leap of faith — much like the one everyone’s favorite orphan took in a movie that didn’t suck ass — and now I’m back with a foolproof list of criteria to help you decide whether or not to keep the DC dream alive.
You Shouldn’t See It If: You’re A Stickler For Accents
I can think of about two giant, firm reasons as to why Miss Gadot was cast as Wonder Woman. However, while I’ve never heard a Themyscarian accent (probably because they haven’t been around for, you know, a thousand years or so), I’m fairly confident the mouthful of marbles nonsense that comes out of her mouth is not it. The German accents put on by the bad guys weren’t much better. But hey, at least they tried instead of pulling a Valkyrie. Remember Valkyrie? That movie where Tom Cruise plays a Nazi general with an American accent surrounded by other Nazi generals with British accents? Check it out; it’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen.
You Should See It If: You Like Hot Chicks
Seriously, the talent in this bad boy is ridiculous. First off, Gal Gadot is so hot it’s fucking stupid. I mean seriously, she looks like she was created on a computer by a bunch of horny 13-year-olds. Whoever decided that her battle armor should resemble something on the discount rack at Victoria’s Secret deserves their own holiday. But the real story here is Robin Wright. I feel like I speak for a lot of us when I say that House of Cards is a 65-hour game of “would you?” when it comes to Mrs. Underwood. But in this, she takes that argument and shoves it in front of a subway car. As soon as the lights in the theater came on, I checked to see how old she was and almost fainted upon discovering she is 51. Five one. Fifty, and then one more. Whatever deal she made with the devil to make that happen was worth it. Oh yeah, and they live on an island stuffed to the brim with women nearly as hot as them all wearing skirts short enough to earn more than a few demerits.
You Shouldn’t See It If: You Don’t Like The New Star Trek Movies
If you’re not a fan of Chris Pine in his role as a cocky ladykiller who loves blowing shit up, you’ll really hate him in Wonder Woman, where he plays a cocky ladykiller who loves blowing shit up.
You Should See It If: You Like Good Movies
This movie rocks. The action sequences are some of the best I’ve ever seen, on par with John Wick and Mad Max: Fury Road. The story never lets you get bored, and the lame romantic bullshit is at a minimum. The score is gas. The main guitar riff is about as hype as a Pete Weber highlight video. The dialogue is great; Gadot and Pine make a great pair. If Justice League is anywhere near as good as this was, we might finally get the “Marvel vs. DC” debate we’ve all been dreaming about..
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