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Sexually Aggressive PETA Commercial Says Vegans Last Longer In Bed, And I Suddenly Want A Steak

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PETA dropped this soft core porno of a commercial on the world today in a fruitless effort to convert more men into vegans, and I could not have a bigger bone to pick with it. I’m not talking about this three-quarters chub I’m currently rocking after watching the video, either.

Now, they certainly have their hearts in the right place. Having some scantily clothed, fit honey riding the bejesus out of some pipe is going to pique the interest of every straight male in existence. That’s just marketing 101. But you completely fucked up on the casting, PETA.

Rather than focusing on the message you’re trying to convey, I’m too distracted thinking there’s no plausible scenario where that dude is a vegan. You just can’t maintain that type of broad shouldered, muscular physique on the diet of a rabbit. Vegans are, at the very most, 105 pounds soaking wet. And that’s while they’re still wearing their slouching beanies, thick-rimmed black glasses, and hemp ponchos — one swift breeze and they’re blown away like a plastic bag in an updraft. A real vegan would break in half if some girl was going HAM on his little string bean.

I’m no scientist, so I can’t really dispute if there’s a real correlation between being a herbivore and lasting longer in bed — nor do I care. Have that card all you want, vegans. Us meat eaters have better shit to do with our time, like devour a steak. While you’re busy struggling to bust a nut with all of that soy in your diet, we’ve already finished, twice, and gone about our day. So have fun with your girl saying “just go already” before giving up altogether, PETA. I’m going to stay on the side with delicious animal carcasses and where at least one of us leaves the bedroom satisfied.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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