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Sex Offenders in Louisiana Have to Identify Themselves on Facebook Now

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From CNN:

A new Louisiana law requires sex offenders and child predators to state their criminal status on their Facebook or other social networking page, with the law’s author saying the bill is the first of its kind in the nation.

(*Immediately checks all the Facebook pages of friends from Louisiana*)

Damn. No sex offenders. But seriously if this happened in Missouri (where most of my Facebook friends reside) it would be the equivalent of Christmas morning for me. It would be BETTER than Christmas morning for me. I would be checking the page of every single creep I knew, hoping that one of them was a secret Sandusky that I could mock for all eternity. Yes, by the way, I am a bad person… but I’m not a child molester.

Also this new law pretty much ensures that if you leave your laptop open in a Louisiana fraternity house now nobody is going to update your status as “Mike Smith: I wonder how many dicks I can fit in my mouth, previous record is 5! More worried that my chin will have enough room for all those balls! ;-p” From now on your asshole brothers are just going to register you as a Louisiana sex offender. That’s what I’d do. IF YOU ARE IN A FRATERNITY IN LOUISIANA DO NOT LEAVE YOUR LAPTOP OPEN IN A COMMON ROOM.

This law of course replaces the old method of identifying sex offenders on Facebook, that being assuming that everyone over the age of 35 with a profile was a sex offender.

To identify himself or herself the sex offender will have to denote their Government Certified Pervert status “in his profile.” It really doesn’t get any more specific than that, presumably because this is a blanket law that covers multiple social media platforms. Obviously on Facebook the best place to post your sex offender status is in the “About Me” section. No one even reads those anymore, I bet sex offenders could easily slip under the radar. Just to be safe I’d write a really boring, drawn out About Me and slip that sex offender tidbit right in the middle. Nothing goes uniformly unread quite like the wannabe deep, faux philosophical About Me’s of losers on Facebook. Here’s an example:

“I’m sort of tall, 6’2″ but I love people of all sizes, lol. I value friendship and family above all else, but if you betray me you’ll be dead to me forever, so don’t cross me! LOL. I had a pretty rough childhood, maybe not rough compared to kids in third world countries or something, lol, but I had my fair share of struggles, which is why it’s hard for me to trust now. I love animals, I truly believe that dogs are man’s best friend and that there is no better companion in life, because a dog will never betray you, unless he chews up your shoes or poops on the carpet, lol. I’m a convicted sex offender in the state of Louisiana for the crime of sodomizing a schoolbus full of deaf children. I love to travel, the beach is fun but really anywhere with loved ones is a place I like to be. I’m not much of a drinker or a party animal, lol, total lightweight, I know. I believe that if you treat people with respect then you’ll get the respect you deserve from them, unless those people suck, lol, Sucky people need not apply to be my friend, lol. That’s about it you guys. Sorry to be so longwinded. Shoot me a message if you wanna hang or chat or whatever. Lol.”

No one would ever know.

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