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Professional tennis player Serena Williams announced that she was 20 weeks pregnant yesterday, and the sporting world will never be the same. Serena is number two all time in Grand Slam tournament singles titles, and she absolutely dominates the professional tennis scene (for what that’s worth). This woman is the pinnacle of athleticism, and she’s about to pass those genes down to the luckiest child in the world.
A few months ago, a Russian billionaire offered $1 billion to Lebron James and Serena Williams to have a child, and it’s probably good that they didn’t do it because that child would be the overlord of the human race by age six. This billionaire, Vladist Sugarin, claimed “With his sperm and her egg, I’ll make my investment back on signing day.” Although that’s an incredibly strange way of saying it — with the usage of words like “breed” and a concerning amount of racist remarks and undertones — Vlad saw the potential for a theoretical perfect human being. Though the chances of it happening now are slim, due to Serena’s engagement to Alexis Ohanian, this child still has a massive amount of potential.
Now you may be asking, “Who is Alexis Ohanian? And why is Serena Williams wasting her billion dollar children on him?” Apparently, he’s the founder of Reddit, which means he’s probably a nerd, but he does have one quality that might save the child’s future as an athlete. My man is 6’5″. I couldn’t find his history of sports from the brief skimming I did on his Wikipedia page, but this dude is pretty damn tall. Sure he’s not 6’8″ 250 lbs like Lebron, but I bet he’s pretty smart which counts for something I guess. This kid will have sheer athleticism from Serena, height and brains from Alexis, and $160 million worth of his parents’ money. What more could you ask for?
Rumor has it that Alabama and Clemson have both extended offers to the child, and the Cleveland Browns have been watching film on the ultrasound deciding to pass up on both Miles Garrett and Mitch Trubisky to draft baby Williams-Ohanian. The child has yet to announce if it will be following his/her mother’s footsteps and signing with Nike, or if it wants to follow his/her own path and become the face of Adidas. The Democratic National Convention have nominated this kid as their candidate for the 2052 Presidential Election because, let’s be honest, the DNC could use any saving grace and hope it can get right now. The possibilities are endless for this kid, little no-name Williams-Ohanian, and before we know it he’ll/she’ll be the greatest athlete of all-time. Or some tech savvy dork working on a billion dollar startup. Again, endless possibilities. .
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