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Science Proves That Being an Alcoholic Greek is the Key to Happiness (Seriously)

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Binge drinking makes you happier. A lot happier. You don’t need to take my word for it though. All of you and your shriveled, blackened livers already knew that. But now there’s real proof! A study out of Colgate University, conducted by professor Carolyn Hsu, found that binge drinking leads to a happier college life and also finds that going Greek significantly increases collegiate happiness.

According to the study, wealthy, white, binge drinking heterosexual frat boys were overall happier with their collegiate experiences than their poorer, non-white teetotaling Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgendered, or Questioning (LGBTQ) counterparts who did not rush. In addition, this study found that students from the higher status groups—such as the aforementioned white, wealthy frat boys— were more likely to binge drink than their fellow students from a lower status group, such as the non-white, non-greek students.

Hmmm, interesting. But maybe these “frat boys” just think that they’re having more fun. After all, it’s not like they’ve experienced the joys of watching a movie in the student commons before closing down a coffee shop.

According to the study, when lower-status students binge drink, they have a higher social satisfaction than their lower-class peers who choose to do something else from Thursday evening to early Monday morning.

BOOM! Drinking rules. Science said so. It’s IRREFUTABLE!

But wait, there’s more, just for fun.

While these lower-status students may drink to feel a part of a higher-status group, Hsu also suggests they may be drinking to forget the fact that they belong to a lower class of students.

That part made me laugh and bummed me out all at the same time. Drinking is a joyous occasion, don’t make it so sad.

This study even suggests that binge drinking can cause some students to downplay the effects of a collegiate environment which is unfriendly to their class or status. For instance, a non-white student who binge drinks will have a better experience and have a stronger social satisfaction even if they attend a predominately white school.

Don’t you see? Not only does binge drinking make us all happier, but chugging grain alcohol until we’re throwing up in the gutter and terrified of the crushing blackness brought on by the alcohol making us temporarily blind actually unites us. The drunken antics of a student body are what brings it together. So everyone go get blackout drunk, find a partner, and have some good old fashioned slopulation (sloppy copulation). Science says it’ll make you happier.

One thing I noticed while reading the study was that by the time I got to the end it all started to sound like the climactic monologue of a Revenge of the Nerds sequel that was never produced. Here’s the pitch:

The Alpha Betas and Tri Lams have to put aside their differences and unite against their new evil dean, who wants to outlaw drinking and sexy frat parties on campus. At first the dean is appealing to the nerds, because he wants to give them new laboratories or something, but the Tri Lams are divided. Soon they all realize that partying and drunken shenanigans are a part of who they are now. So the Tri Lams start doing their own experiments on the effects of drinking and happiness while the Alpha Betas rally alumni support. Meanwhile the Tri Lams and Alpha Betas play pranks on the dean, like putting a dildo in his car’s tailpipe and having Ogre get his daughter pregnant, or something. You get the picture. All the while a nerd fucks a cheerleader and a jock Alpha Beta fucks a nerd girl who is actually totally hot if you take off her glasses (plus she appeals to the jock’s inner scholar that he’s afraid to show). Then one of the nerds presents his findings about binge drinking to the university’s board of directors but halfway through he abandons his findings and speaks from his heart. The speech sways the board and everyone is allowed to party again and the dean is removed from power or dies or something. Whatever.

Anyway, the actual study was conducted at various colleges around the northeastern United States. Over 1,600 students were surveyed by Hsu and her team. No matter the college, Hsu’s findings were the same throughout.

In conclusion, Hsu said, “Students in all groups consistently liked college more when they participated in the campuses’ binge drinking culture.”

So take that morally responsible GDIs. Science just told you to get with the fucking program.


Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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