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Science Invents Birth Control Shots For Dudes, But It’s A Real Pain In The Balls

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Scientists have bested themselves yet again. A procedure called RISUG (Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance) is the newest breakthrough in birth control technology.

I know it sounds like the newest piece of military hardware, but it’s actually a very simple procedure that takes about 15 minutes and lasts up to 10 years. At anytime, if you change your mind and decide that you actually want a $300,000 bundle of joy, the procedure can be easily reversed.

A doctor applies some local anesthetic, makes a small pinhole in the base of the scrotum, reaches in with a pair of very thin forceps, and pulls out the small white vas deferens tube. Then, the doctor injects the polymer gel (called Vasalgel here in the US), pushes the vas deferens back inside, repeats the process for the other vas deferens, puts a Band-Aid over the small hole, and the man is on his way.

The polymer gel doesn’t block sperm in the vas deferens, but allows it to flow freely through. This prevents your balls from turning blue and exploding. You can still bust nuts, but the nuts you bust won’t knock anyone up.

The magic voodoo behind the phenomenon is called the polyelectrolytic effect. Due to the negative/positive polarization of the polymer, the sperm are literally torn apart as they pass by.

If you ever get tired of firing mangled sperm corpses out of your dick, a simple injection of water and baking soda will remove the polymer gel and you’ll be good to go, dad.

Odds are you won’t see this catch on in America because the chemicals in the shot are ridiculously cheap to produce. The polymer gel costs less than the actual syringe used to inject it.

Birth control pills are a multi-billion dollar industry and they aren’t going to let some highly effective and unprofitable competition get a foothold in the market. I can see the smear campaigns narrated by Samuel L. Jackson for a quick paycheck now…

“Real men don’t poke holes in their scrotums. Tell your bitch to get on the pill.”

Now personally, I don’t believe in condoms. My birth control strategy is “pull, spray, and pray.” I don’t know how I feel about a doctor poking a hole in my ball sack and fucking around with my meaty giblets. Something about that seems a little unsettling, but hey… it’s still better than wrapping it up.

I’d take any type of birth control over a condom, except for femidoms, diaphragms, and the really medieval shit.


[via Techcitement]

Image via Techcitement


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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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