TO: Santa Claus
FROM: Truffles the Elf
SUBJECT: Naughty/Nice Report, Carter Roberts IV
After receiving a special surveillance request from Santa Claus, the Elven Department of Behavioral Evaluation ordered that I, Truffles the Elf, observe Carter Roberts IV through October and November in order to help definitively evaluate his Naughty/Nice status. His behavior is as follows:
Naughty Incident 1
Upon my arrival on campus I quickly found my way to Mr. Roberts’ place of residence, his fraternity house. As I arrived Mr. Roberts and several cohorts, and what appeared to be several servants (see: “pledges”) were departing for a round of golf. Despite already being visibly drunk Mr. Roberts immediately began binge drinking once out on the course. He and his fraternity brothers were relentless in both their alcohol consumption and their verbal abuse of the pledges. I documented the verbal abuse as best I could, but in truth it was too frequent to record it all. I can however present a small sampling to set the tone.
“Hey cock gobbler, grab me a ball.”
“Yes I want another beer. Get me one and then fuck your own face.”
“DON’T EVER TALK IN MY BACKSWING! YOU TALK AGAIN AND I’M GONNA REGRIP MY CLUB AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”
“I hate you so much I’m gonna find a way to give you AIDS. ”
Mr. Roberts and his golfing companions also complained incessantly about the quality of the golf course. They claimed to be upset at having to play their round on a “muni.” Their frustrations came to full fruition when, in an apparent attempt to teach the course’s grounds crew a lesson, Mr. Roberts decided to defecate in the hole on the 18th green. To say that Mr. Roberts’ feces ruined the day for the family playing behind him would be an understatement.
Nice Incident 1
Around 4AM local time Sunday morning a timid pledge whom Mr. Roberts referred to as “Queef” knocked on his door to ask for a condom. In a whiskey fueled rage Mr. Roberts proceeded to throw various items (sporting equipment, empty cans, furniture, and what appeared to be a used homemade tourniquet) at the pledge. However Mr. Roberts’ rage subsided and after a long conversation that drifted from heartfelt, to confused, to angry, and then back to heartfelt he generously gave the pledge his entire box of condoms and sent him on his way.
Naughty Incident 2
The next morning Mr. Roberts was offered “another round” by the female companion that had spent the night in his bed. Realizing he had given all his condoms away, but apparently not wanting to waste the opportunity, Mr. Roberts lied to his bedfellow, claiming that he had put on a condom.
Nice Incident 2
Over the course of the two months I observed him Mr. Roberts completed forty hours of previously court ordered community service.
Naughty Incident 3
While in attendance at a sorority formal event, which was held in the banquet room of a local art museum, Mr. Roberts committed the following naughty acts:
-While still on the bus he received an extremely conspicuous over the pants hand job.
-Upon arrival Mr. Roberts proceeded to inform the museum staff how “gay” all of their artwork was.
-Not content with the hand job he received on the bus Mr. Roberts convinced his date to sneak off into the museum with him and “fuck on top of some art.” Once they arrived in the medieval wing Mr. Roberts noticed a suit of armor on display. Upon seeing the armor Mr. Roberts decided that he wanted to wear it during sex. He dismissed his date’s protests, telling her that he was one of the “Knights of the Pound Table.” However, unbeknownst to Mr. Roberts the silent alarm had been triggered the moment he moved the suit of armor. Security found them within five minutes.
-Swung a battle mace at a museum security guard.
Naughty Incident 4
After coming back to his fraternity house with his date, Mr. Roberts proceeded to drink heavily. Interspersed with the heavy drinking were several angry love making sessions between Mr. Roberts and his date. Perhaps due to my own negligence Mr. Roberts discovered my presence. As I had never been caught before I was somewhat startled. Mr. Roberts quickly grabbed and shook me. While I was being shaken by Mr. Roberts my bag of magic elf dust became dislodged from my belt and fell to the floor.
Without the elf dust I was no longer able to magically teleport away. This however was the least of my troubles. Seeing the magic elf dust, which of course is a fine white powder, Mr. Roberts mistook it for cocaine. He excitedly sorted out several long lines of the elf dust, rolled up a dollar bill, and ingested it nasally. Within a millisecond Mr. Roberts had vanished. With the remaining elf dust I travelled back to the North Pole in order to ascertain Mr. Roberts’ whereabouts.
Because of both the dangerous amount of elf dust ingested, and how he ingested it, Mr. Roberts was instantly transported through space AND time. Mr. Roberts was eventually tracked down to 19th Century Austria. There I found him in the upstairs room of a small tavern, fornicating with a young local woman. Apparently Mr. Roberts was so inebriated that he was not aware of the fact that he had traveled 152 years into the past. His alcohol induced lack of situational awareness was illustrated by, among other things, the fact that he left his credit card at the 19th Century tavern bar to pay his tab. This was much to the dismay of the confused and upset tavern owner, whom Mr. Roberts referred to as “That dumbass Bosnian dude who doesn’t know how to use a fucking credit card machine.”
I quickly removed Mr. Roberts from his Austrian lover and transported him back to his present day fraternity house. I was set to perform a memory wipe but seeing as how Mr. Roberts’ heavy drinking had more or less taken care of that for me I decided against it. As a precaution I did a bit of research on Mr. Roberts’ Austrian lover, who went by the name Johanna Pölzl. Ms. Pölzl, as history would have it, would go on to become Adolf Hitler’s grandmother. The fortuitous timing of Mr. Roberts’ and Ms. Pölzl’s encounter leads this elf to believe that there is a greater than 50% chance that Mr. Roberts is in fact Adolf Hitler’s maternal grandfather. At the present I am still attempting to determine this definitively.
-Loaned condoms to a pledge
-Completed court ordered community service
-Maliciously defecated on a public golf course
-General verbal abuse
-General sexual dishonesty
-Desecration of priceless art
-Attempted assault with a medieval weapon
-Probably Hitler’s Grandpa
Follow me on twitter @BaconTFM