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Ryan Lochte Apologized For Rio Fiasco In The Most Ryan Lochte Way On Instagram

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As some of our astute readers already know, Ryan Lochte and the Team USA swimmers weren’t robbed at gunpoint, like he said they were. They got drunk, peed on the side of a gas station, and kicked in a bathroom door. Ryan Lochte attempted to apologize this morning on Instagram. Key word: attempted.

A photo posted by Ryanlochte (@ryanlochte) on

That was about as Ryan Lochte of an apology as you can get. Didn’t really apologize for lying, but apologized for how he worded things. Still thinks he’s done no wrong. Classic Lochte. There is still a lot of confusing Brazilian muck to wade through, but the basic outline of the night is something like this:

Lochte and the swimmers were drunk. They stopped and peed on the side of a gas station. The owner was like, “Hey, use the bathroom.” So they kicked in the door and trashed the bathroom.

The owner gets mad and tells their taxi not to leave. When the police show up, they force Lochte and the other swimmers out. When some of them drunkenly bolt, the officer pulls a gun.

This stuff at least is consistent with Lochte’s story. It seems like they agreed Lochte would pay for the damage to the door.

What I’m still wondering is why make up the story at all? Lochte paid over $100 to the gas station owner, which as everyone knows is more money than anyone in Brazil has ever seen. It was obviously hush cash.

Why blow the lid after you’ve already paid up? The only explanation is that Lochte was so drunk he woke up with vague memories and misunderstandings due to the language barrier and actually believed he had been robbed.

As one of our Wall contributors put it best:

Screen Shot 2016-08-19 at 10.15.52 AM

That puts the cap on this very weird and very stupid trilogy.

Lochte, think about your life. Moron.

Image via Instagram/@ryanlochte

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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