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Russia Plans To Deprive Enemies Of Porn And Netflix If War Starts

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The U.S. has growing concerns that Russia could be planning to grab the world by the balls and rip them firmly off if current tension turns into full blown conflict. No, I’m not talking about Putin going scorched earth, pushing a red button, and dooming the United States with nuclear hell fire. What that bald, doughy, crinkly ball sack and Napoleon test tube baby has up his sleeve is much more diabolical.

Intelligence officials have reported significant Russian submarine and spy ship activity near cables carrying global internet communications and fear strategic cutting at greater depths where repair is much more problematic than some ship accidentally severing lines with anchors.

From Business Insider:

Last month, the United States closely monitored the Russian spy ship Yantar, which equipped with two self-propelled deep-sea submersible craft, cruised off the U.S. East Coast toward Cuba, where one cable lands near the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay, according to the Times.

Naval officials said the ship and the submersible craft were capable of cutting cables miles (km) deep beneath the sea, the Times said.

It said the cables carried more than $10 trillion daily in global business and more than 95 percent of daily communications.

Forget that most, if not all, business is done online, and that my job would be rendered even more useless than it currently is now, and think about living in a medieval dark age without being able to watch Frank Reynolds eat pocket sausages or Eric Taylor “tell you something” for the fiftieth time in a three day span. A universe where inviting a girl over to “Netflix and chill” before she politely declines by not answering so you pop open the laptop and stream Dare Dorm in the matter of seconds doesn’t exist. That, my friends, is a place none of us want to go back to. God forbid it comes to fruition. Mankind would be left in shambles. The streets would run red with the blood of the innocent. It would be a move of pure unadulterated evil and aggression that simply would not stand. Think this through, comrades.

The world’s not ending in an inferno — the end is coming at the hands of sexually pent up lunatics.

[via Business Insider]

Image via Shutterstock

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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