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Rising country music star Wheeler Walker Jr. has two main career goals: 1) to kick that Florida Georgia Line pop country horse shit square in the dick with his new album, “Redneck Shit,” and 2) to tit fuck Adele.
Walker takes you on a goddamn emotional journey with this track list. From the contemplative and forlonging “Can’t Fuck You Off My Mind,” to the uplifting and romantic “Sit On My Face,” Wheeler deals with love won and lost with both striking bravery and tender sensitivity. It’s a throwback to country’s roots. An homage to the ass-kickin’, throat-fuckin’ cowboys that made America great. I laughed, I cried, and afterwards, I was kind of horny. Shit’s that good.
Wheeler recently spoke with TFM about music and love and politics. But mostly about getting fucked up and jerking off.
What is your go-to beat off material?
Lately it’s been my album. Seriously, it’s that fuckin’ good. I just blast the album, put saran wrap on the speakers and go to town.
You have a hit song called “Beer, Weed, and Cooches.” If you had to rank the three, what would the order be and why?
1) Cooches — Pussy is better than any drug I’ve ever had. Although I haven’t tried meth.
2) Beer — I drink more beer than water. Fuck, I brush my teeth with it.
3) Weed — Just cuz it’s #3 don’t mean I don’t love it. But without beer and cooches… what’s the point?
Fuck, marry, kill: Hillary Clinton, Caitlyn Jenner, Justin Bieber. Explain your reasoning.
Fuck: Hillary Clinton, since she’s the only one on this list with a working vagina.
Marry: Caitlyn Jenner, then when she’s asleep I’ll sneak into Kim’s pantie drawer and beat off.
Kill: Bieber because he fucking sucks.
What’s the stupidest thing you did while fucked up?
Listened to a Florida Georgia Line album. Like, the whole fucking thing. Fuckin’ threw up afterward. Almost made me want to get sober. Almost.
Who are your country idols?
Waylon, Willie, George Jones, David Alan Coe. Hard drinkin’, tough talkin’ motherfuckers.
Let’s talk pubes. Trim, shave, or let it grow.
Glad someone finally asked me this question. Mine or hers? Fuck it, who cares. I ain’t afraid to say it: Grow that shit out. Life is busy and I got shit to do. I’d rather be writing a song than shaving my balls.
What do you call your penis and testes?
Kim and Kanye.
Were you in a fraternity? If so, which one at what school? If not, why not?
I went to University of Kentucky but got too fucked up and dropped out. Wasn’t in a frat, never got asked. Maybe they were scared?
You’re all about going down on the ladies. What is your cunnilingus technique?
It’s called “The Wheeler.” I close my eyes and pretend I’m typing my name on a keyboard with my tongue.
Who was the girl you wrote about in “Fuck You Bitch” and what did she do to break your heart?
I ain’t givin’ her name! What did she do to break my heart? She dumped me! I only cheated on her a few times but I guess she wasn’t the forgivin’ type. One of the girls I cheated on her with had a huge awesome butt. I know that wasn’t part of the question. But I wanted to add that, in my defense.
What advice would you give for our college readers on how to pick up chicks and kick ass?
If you have to ask, you’re fucked. All I can say is follow me around and hope for some runoff.
Who are you voting for in the upcoming presidential election and why?
I ain’t fuckin’ votin’. I was broke during Bush, I was broke during Obama. Waste of my fuckin’ time.
I’m a Kentucky man. Jim Beam.
Favorite sex position?
Not sure if it’s my favorite, but I like titty fuckin’. It’s definitely underrated.
What pisses you off more than anything?
Shitty pop country dogshit. Florida Georgia Line, Sam Hunt, all that shit.
What would you say to listeners who may consider your music “mysogynistic”?
As long as they buy my album, who gives a shit?
When is a guy better off beatin’ off?
Image via YouTube