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Rhode Island Man Manages Four DUIs In 36 Hours

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Allow me to introduce you to John Lourenco, a man who was arrested for DUIs in Cumberland, R.I. That’s right, plural. And like LeBron James said, “not one, not two, not three,” that’s right–Mr. Lourenco was arrested for four DUIs…in the span of 36 fucking hours. How did this happen? Well, let’s jump into the timeline.

Sunday morning: Johnny’s driving his Dodge pickup in Providence and he slams into a family SUV, injuring two kids. He’s taken to the hospital, where he is put in restraints for “threatening an officer and tossing a bottle filled with urine at staff.” Class act, this guy. He’s then released with a summons for driving under the influence.

Monday, 7 a.m.: Johnny’s cruising around in a Chevy sedan, careens into another car, is breathalyzed by the cops, clocks a .220 BAC (three times the legal limit), gets charged with a DUI again, and is released to his parents. I should probably mention that Johnny is 53 years old, so God knows how old his ‘rents are.

11 a.m.: He shockingly manages to elude his frail, elderly parents’ custody and is arrested a third time when a cop pulls him over for driving a Plymouth Barracuda erratically. He gets taken to another hospital, submits to a blood test, and is released into the hospital’s custody.

5 p.m.: Now clearly out of cars, Johnny revs up his dump truck for a spin (I swear to God I’m not making this up). He slams it into a tree, is taken to yet another hospital, and is finally held for court.

How he was allowed to go on this spree is anyone’s guess. It baffles me how he managed to get released under his own recognizance every time, let alone how the cops’ communication is so poor that they had no idea this guy was on the most epic vehicular bender ever until his fourth incident. He’s being charged with “reckless driving, refusing a breathalyzer, driving under the influence, and no evidence of insurance,” which, frankly, sounds pretty light under the circumstances.

Get your shit together, Johnny.

[via Providence Journal]

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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