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Revolutionary Says Drinking And Fraternities Are Bad

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Folks, I hate to say it, but fraternities have more or less become enemies of the state. Almost every week there’s an onslaught of people who think they have this revolutionary idea that fraternities and Greek life should be banned because it’s such a terrible institution. Granted, some bad things have happened that shouldn’t have with fraternities, but the answer isn’t blaming every fraternity in existence.

This week with their oh so completely original take on the issue was Francisco Hernandez and The Daily Mississippian, with their opinion column, Opinion: Against the alcohol monopoly of fraternities. Hernandez is a international studies major from Spain, and definitely a GDI.

First of all, I’m surprised a Mississippi newspaper wrote this, of all things. It must have been read, edited, and proofread by all three literate people in that state who must have taken time from their exhausting schedule of sailing the bayou to publish such a masterpiece. Second, isn’t college drinking what makes the state of Mississippi great? I’m pretty sure “college football” is their state motto.

Okay, I’ll give you the spark notes rundown of this article real quick: Basically 99% of it sounds like the guidance counselor from South Park saying “drinking is bad, mkay?” The main problem they say: drinking is banned on campuses everywhere accept fraternity houses, where alcohol bans are rarely enforced. They threw in some securities and exchange commission buzzwords, too, calling it a “monopoly” for fraternities. Definitely winning the Nobel Prize in economics for this piece.

Look, “monopoly” is a strong word that should only be reserved for a board game that has broken multiple family relationships. Blaming alcohol in fraternities is nothing new, but whoever wrote this tried to sound overly conclusive in their scholarly quest for sobriety.

From The Daily Mississippian:

Since fraternities hold a tight grip on the supply of alcohol, freshmen and sophomores who can’t legally consume it see Greek institutions as the most desirable way to access drinking and its perceived social benefits.

You write that as if no college freshman has ever had alcohol in their dorm. When they move in on movie-in day they all bring that duffle bag we all know isn’t filled with clothes. It’s not like they stop before they walk in, see the “alcohol free building” sign and think to themselves “gosh darn it” and throw away those handles of Smirnoff they brought with them.

Hell, when I was a freshman someone found a way to sneak a keg, a full goddamn keg, into our “alcohol free” building. College freshman in the quest for a buzz are resourceful, so don’t under estimate them.

In college, booze can equal power, and fraternities have too much of both.

Look, I’m not saying that statement is wrong, but I’m not saying it’s right. You saying booze equals power sounds too House of Cards-esque for college fraternity life. No one’s running around like Frank Underwood, so calm down.

This creates a feeling of anxiety among young men entering the Greek system who are willing to let the demands of their fraternities prioritize those of their academic courses while also struggling to conform to the culture and mentality of their new groups.

Wow, I needed a good five shots just to make it through that sentence, which probably doesn’t help the authors “alcohol is bad” point, but whatever. That sentence was nothing but an explosion of smart sounding words with the same tired argument “every one should fit in and worry about their grades.” Sounds like a liberal utopia to me.

If alcohol isn’t allowed anywhere on campus, then fraternity houses shouldn’t be an exception. In the meantime, this unjust situation remains like an elephant in our room – one who continually stomps over us and who leaves its very unpleasant waste for us to deal with.

And with that, Hernandez gets off the soap box and puts it away for next time. Look, fraternities are not the “exception.” Same rules apply to them. Sorry we don’t have that overly involved freshman year RA doing room checks in the fraternity house every two weeks. Besides, you want to ban drinking at fraternity houses, what do you expect us to do, arts and crafts or some shit? “Hey, guys come to Alpha Beta Gamma tonight we’re gonna be doing some knitting it’s gonna be LIT!”

Hernandez wasn’t the first, although he acts like it, and isn’t going to be the last one to suggest something like this. And overtime, they act like it’s some revolutionary idea. Until then when they come in guns blazing against Greek life, I need a drink.

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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