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Return from Winter Break: I’m Not Cleaning This Shit.


This time of year is a very peculiar one in the fraternal world. As men from across the nation return from the mundane existence that is staying at home over Christmas break, it is not uncommon for everyone to begin raging face as soon as they drop their bags after the drive back. One by one, brothers stagger into the fratcastles they call home, greeted with warm welcomes and cool brews. The first week back from break is a joyous occasion, and it really makes you appreciate the family you were away from while you were visiting your sober family back home. Then the hangover sets in.

Oh yeah…how soon we forget that the 7 straight days of partying before school starts would require an amount of cleaning up that no active feels comfortable doing, not even a JI. It’s pretty spectacular to witness how fast a house can go from clean to downtown Detroit in a matter of days. At first it is only a few empties and some scuffed floors from the foot traffic. Repeat that 5 times and you have enough broken glass to make a liberal trash mosaic and a floor so sticky you’re liable to step out of your boat shoes. “That’s fine,” you might say to yourself, “we’ll just make the pledges clea…” OH SHIT, that’s right, you initiated those fucking pledges because you went soft and decided to initiate before spring rush started.

The layover between Fall and Spring pledges can be one of the most annoying times in a fraternity man’s existence. What can I say, free labor spoils you. “Man I’m wrecked let’s call a pledge for a ri…” NOPE. Nobody is driving tonight, motherfucker. Unless you want to pay the pledge drivers of society to haul you home in a filthy taxi, or you can imagine what it’s like to be poor when you walk home from the bars. “Oh look! Is that a puddle of puke on the floor?” “Tell the pledge class president to mop that shi…” WRONG AGAIN. No one is going to go anywhere near that puke and you’ll be met with a gracious “I’m not cleaning that shit” anytime you try to get someone to help clean. The only PCP ‘round these parts is being smoked by the chef while he’s preparing that god awful Chinese food he makes when he feels like experimenting with the menu. Yep, you really shit the bed, but I hope not literally because you will have to do your own damn sheets since YOU DON”T HAVE ANY PLEDGES. That is, unless you have a really subservient girlfriend who doesn’t mind bleaching your shame away, and if that’s the case I would like to truly say “what the fuck?”

So, gentleman, remember that shit isn’t exactly going to be easy for the next couple of weeks. There will be a lot of unwanted cleaning of horrendous, nightmare fuel messes. It might even be bad enough to make you reconsider what you make your own pledges do. Well, for a moment anyway. You won’t be able to make some poor kid be the Morgan Freeman to your coked up, alcoholic Miss Daisy either. It’s sad, I know. My advice would be to bite your teeth and try to pick up what you can tolerate after a long night. Maybe let the puddle of puke solidify for a few days so you can sweep it up before rush. FUCK…you almost forgot about rush too.

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jakewgoldman

Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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