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Polishing off a few tall boys of Icehouse Edge has a way of making one feel oddly charitable, and perhaps it’ll have you thinking that making a batch of cookies for the sorority across the street is a good idea. I’m not talking about those wedges of store-bought dough that you toss in the oven for nine minutes, either. You’re going to make them from scratch. That can’t be too hard, right? Not really, so long as you have the right ingredients. Well, you don’t.
Let’s see…one cup of butter or margarine. A quick look into the fridge reveals that you do in fact have butter, but it’s hard as a rock and stuck to the door. That won’t work. Dig out a spray bottle of “I’m Completely Flabbergasted That This Isn’t Butter” and squirt some of that into your mixing bowl. The next ingredient is vanilla. Fuck. You’ll have to substitute maple syrup. You don’t have sugar either? Honey will have to do. By the time you’re done baking this mixture of B-team ingredients, you’ll have a bunch of vaguely sweet, rubbery discs in front of you. Better just toss ‘em out and try again some other time.
Jack In The Box Casserole
You’ll want to start this one off by heading over to your nearest mediocre fast food establishment and picking up whatever a 10-dollar bill can get you. Cut each of the middle school cafeteria-worthy burgers, chicken sandwiches, and tacos into bite-sized pieces, then arrange them in a baking dish. Add potatoes, eggs, and cheese, then bake at 400 degrees until the whole mess starts to take on a golden brown hue. While you’re waiting for it to cool, take the time to look upon it like God must have looked at Chris Brown after creating him. You know the wrong you have done, but here it is. Serve with boxed wine left over from a party that never quite got going.
I have no idea what (or if) you feed your pledges during their initiation week, but I’m willing to bet a lot of you might prepare something like this: Scoop a few cans of corned beef hash into a hot pan, crack a few eggs into it, and stir it around as it cooks. When it’s almost ready, add a little too much Cajun seasoning. Before you turn the burner off, use it to light a cigarette, then blow some smoke right into the hash. The smoke is what takes this dish from mildly unpleasant to nightmarish, so don’t forget this step. My initiation was years ago, but sometimes I’ll prepare a dish like this for breakfast or a late-night snack. There’s just something oddly nostalgic and comforting about it, and it’s an excellent reminder of a time gone by.
Drunk Pizza Carbonara
Start this one off by raiding the fridge for the last few slices of leftover pizza from that stupid teambuilding workshop your chapter had to do…five days ago. The crust might be hard as a rock, and the cheese might look like the skin of a leprous iguana, but we’re going to bring this stuff back to life. Get some spaghetti noodles boiling in a large pot, while simultaneously throwing the pizza into a frying pan.
Once the noodles are nicely congealed, drain the water and add some dollar-store Alfredo sauce. Break the pizza into chunks and toss those in, then add some spices. Literally use whatever you have. Ideally, you want to use spices that expired around the same time your hope of finishing college in four years did. They’ve been settling for some time now, just like you. Serve lukewarm..