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Realistic New Year’s Resolutions For Your Fraternity In 2018

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Don’t kill anyone

We’re talking day-one, basic humanity stuff, right off the bat. Any confusion we may have had as a species after Cain killed his brother Abel was eventually clarified when the original Hebrew Hammer and second most notable Moses (Malone running up the score with his three MVP trophies) descended from a mountain with terms and conditions where that was oddly fifth down the list. I get that a lot of mankind just scrolled to the bottom and blindly checked “I agree” without reading the “Thou Shall Not Murk My Fellow Human Being” clause, but the general gist has more or less made its way under the public’s common knowledge umbrella.

Apparently, some of you still haven’t locked down that core concept of preserving life this late in the game and we’re constantly back to zero on our “days since last accident” whiteboard like a segway valet service next to a Mumbai intersection, but this should be a goal EVERY Greek-lettered organization hits in 2018. Really not asking a whole lot, guys.

Recruit a pledge class that isn’t the “worst ever.”

Who are we kidding? That’s simply not possible. Schmidty would be rolling over in his front desk of Enterprise Rent-A-Car if he knew how far this fraternity has fallen.

Have your intramural A team be somewhat sober for legit sports

There’s a time and a place to mix alcohol and sport and its name is slow-pitch softball. Unless, of course, intramurals are cutting into serious pregaming hours before a social or date function. Even then, proceed with caution. You show up to ball a dozen Rumplemintz shots deep and you’re destined to get crossed up and clowned for all of Instagram to see.

Much like herpes, there’s currently no known cure for having your ankles broken on a constant loop and you’re gonna have an almost insurmountable hill to climb convincing women to touch your piece. It’s like they say, once you go viral, your pussy game spirals. If you don’t plan on transferring schools or becoming a daily punching bag for the rest of your college days, keeping your basic motor skills during athletic and intense competitions amongst your most hated peers just seems like a smart play.

Get back your stolen composites

The Ferg and the class on ’93 deserve better than to be collecting dust and pissbutter next to the Phi Delt urinals. The 2010-2011 brothers, not so much. Probably best we forget that group altogether. Dark times for the chapter.

Collect more in dues than you spend on repairs for house damages

The very foundation of the building is holding on by a thread and the walls are peppered with more holes than a Florida truck stop bathroom stall in a Michael Bay movie. It’s time Scotty pays his fine for missing Greek Week 2015 penny wars.

Exploit loopholes in the system

Perhaps nationals has issues with using fraternity funds to directly buy booze. Not a problem for the group of pre-law students in your chapter. Just go an extra step by converting the slush fund into grocery store gift cards to then turn around and purchase said party product. You can never have too many liquid assets.

Have discussions in chapter that don’t turn into brothers repeating each other for a half hour

“Motion to close.” Learn it. Know it. Live it.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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