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Recently, I took it upon myself to get into the ratings business. Unsure where to start, it was only logical to begin with a topic that could not be contested, something uncontroversial. Needing to ease myself into the game, I decided to go with women. No way would that cause a stir.
Since the first edition went over so well, I have decided to continue my crusade.
The Girl Who Does Things Just For Social Media
I would argue that this characteristic can apply to just about any female, but the woman I am speaking of takes it to another level. This is the girl who will take a bath for the sole purpose of snapping that totally not attention-seeking pic with bubbles covering up just the right places. #SoRelaxing
Characteristics include: Seeking attention only to publicly get upset when you give the “wrong” attention, constantly attacking other girls by calling them sluts for doing the same things that she does on a regular basis, using the snapchat filters heavily, and having low self-awareness for the severity of her antics.
Rating: This is the girl every dude says is crazy, but privately we all are still trying to boink her. 7.5
The Girl Who Will Put You Under A Spell
She’s really not as great as you think she is, but her wizardry is unmatched. This is the female that all your boys warned you about, but you didn’t listen. Now you’re with her every day and there’s no telling when the guys will be able to get you back. You’re mesmerized by her every waking move.
Characteristics include: Throwing out the L word way too early, having you meet the parents way too early, and getting infuriated when you want to do anything with anyone else besides her.
Rating: She moves fast; it’s part of her charm. Stay away from that charm. 4.8.
The College Virgin
BEWARE: this is dangerous territory. Only experienced players with a level head should even dare attempt. While there are positives to getting to teach a girl how to fuck for the first time, the negatives far outweigh that.
Pro: The whole playbook is open, because to her it is all new and exciting.
Con: Literally everything else.
Characteristics include: Being a high level clinger, literally burning your shit once you inevitably get tired of her innocence, and making sure everyone knows that you’re not the guy she thought you were.
Rating: Yes, this hits close to home. No, it’s not worth it. 5.1
The Girl That You Don’t Wanna Date Because You Know You’ll Break Her Heart.
Look, I can appreciate a real sweetheart. I’m just not going to put myself in the position to date one. This is the girl that is so nice that you are terrified to date her, because inevitably you’ll do some dickish shit and break her poor little heart.
You: But Bethany, how was I supposed to know she would get naked in the hot tub? We were just talking.
Bethany: I’m trying really hard to make you like me, Trent. Should I start getting naked in hot tubs, too? Is that what would make you happy? Just let me know what to do. I can do it.
Characteristics include: You can’t call her over the top personality annoying without looking like an asshole, and she’ll never get mad, only disappointed. And her fear of confrontation will allow you to trample all over her (don’t do it, you fucking dickwads. She’s a nice lady!).
Rating: If we’re grading on friendliness, then she gets a 10. But around here, we look at the whole picture. 6.4.
I’m not a scientist/researcher/doctor or whatever. However, I have seen a lot of women in my day. I can say with absolute certainty that there is a correlation between having an above average pair of funbags and lacking in the brains department. I dare somebody to try to prove me wrong.
Characteristics include: Burning every food she comes in contact with including simple shit like ramen, asking a trillion questions that you didn’t think any adult would ever need to ask, and finessing you into doing her homework so that you can more quickly get to the extracurriculars.
Rating: She’s fun to have around, but the constant questions can become cumbersome. 7.1.
The Sneaky Sexy
Similar genre to our girl next door. She’s cute, but you can’t figure out why. You wouldn’t be ashamed to tell the guys that you got busy with her, but it’s not a crowning achievement, either. She is the pre-makeover version of the nerdy girl in every 1980s John Hughes movie.
Characteristics include: Wearing glasses (think throwback T-Swift in that one music video), perplexing every dude she ever meets by leaving them at half mast just from talking, and somehow looking kind of (but not overly) desirable in plain clothing. Also, above average personality.
Rating: Wifeability off the charts. This round has a winner, 8.5..