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Sexual Inner Monologue

Sex is great, obviously. The mind is constantly preoccupied with it. Most of the day is usually spent fantasizing about sex, even if it’s subconsciously. I’ve read an official sounding scientific article that claimed sex crosses our minds every 7 seconds. That was literally the extent of my research, but I read it on the internet, so it must be true. Sex is constantly on our minds. It can’t be denied. But what’s on our minds when we finally get that glorious opportunity for some rough ball slappin’ sexy time? I don’t know about you, but these are some of things that have crossed my mind over the course of intercourse.

My Sexual Inner Monologue

“What are these… C- Cups?”

“Shiiiiit I’m drunk.”

“Wait… where am I?”

“Did I remember to put on a condom? Well, I remembered to SAY I did.”

“Did my roommates just get home? I better start pounding harder. They’ll want to hear this.”

“I’m starving. This bitch better make me a sandwich when I’m done.”

“I wanna slam one of those Glee chicks. I’m tired of these shrieking orgasms. HARMONIZE BITCH.”

“I should have gotten her friend’s number. I’ll steal it from her phone later.”

“Jesus, that smells horrendous. Don’t show any signs of fear.”

“9 minutes and counting. Thank God for the whiskey.”

“She says she’s 18. I’ll take her word for it, carding is such a cockblock.”

“I can’t believe I’m missing the GOP debate for this mediocre sex.”

“Those stuffed animals are so gay.”

“If I feel teeth one more time, she is walking home tomorrow.”

“Oh no, I have to shit! Fight it! Fight it, Damnit!”

“Her phone is ringing… probably her boyfriend. ‘Hey I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m getting railed by a stranger. Leave a message!’ ”

“Landing strip, nice.”

“I want to put it in her butt, but I don’t want shit dick. Note to self, install bidet.”

“I’m not sure if I’m about to sneeze or if my cock’s about to sneeze.”

“This one’s too smart. I don’t like it when they’re not confused. Switching to a British accent.”

“Oh hell yeah there’s a mirror over there.”

“Fuck you, cat! Get the fuck away from me!”

“I wonder how many dudes have been inside her before me… Ah, whatever.”

“I’m gonna need a weed whacker to get through this jungle. Good thing I literally have a weed whacker in the back of my truck.”

“I feel bad for this girl’s dad.”

“I’d like to fuck this girl’s mom.”

“Shhh… No words… I prefer it if you don’t have a personality.”

“Is she faking it? Do I care? No.”

“These pigtails are kinda like reigns. YeeeeHaaaw!”

“It’s so dark I can’t see anything… probably better that way.”

“What a stupid tramp stamp… I should draw a better one.”

“I wonder if I can reach my beer.”

“Whoaa, that feels TOO good.”

“We are at Defcon 1, Battlestations!”

“A few more thrusts and then I bust. Ah Ahh Ahhh AAHHH”

“AAAHHHRRGgarrrrgabblegaaa”

“I wonder if my post climax evil cackle creeps her out… I hope so.”

What the Lucky Girl is Thinking

Something about her cat maybe? Who the fuck cares.

So that’s what runs through my mind. Let me hear what you think in the comments, so that I can think them too…

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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RageTheory

RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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