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Quotes From The Presidents of The United States of America

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USA! USA! USA! On this Presidents’ Day, we take a look back at some quotes from our great nation’s leaders. We will translate some, and apply others to our lives today. Some of these men may be lefties, but today we celebrate all Presidents of the United States of America, regardless of how liberal or geedy they may have been.

“A great deal of indulgence is necessary to strengthen habits of harmony and fraternity.”- Thomas Jefferson

It is imperative that you spend shit tons of money on the finer things, and live a life of excess. This will strengthen the bond of fraternity, creating harmony between you and your brothers, while showing outsiders how inferior their lifestyle is.

“Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.”- Andrew Jackson

Take time to pick a worthy sorostitute, but don’t fuck around. Just take her to Pound Town. Don’t be a pussy.

“The time comes upon every public man when it is best for him to keep his lips closed.”‬- Abraham Lincoln

Don Draper ( philosophy. Sometimes it’s better to stay silent.

“I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale and never tried it again.” –Bill Clinton

Deny. Deny. Deny. TFM.

“Look, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point.” – Barack Obama

Translation: “I hit the blunt. Hard.”

“I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.” – Jimmy Carter

Apparently Jimmy Carter wanted to murder his wife, but he couldn’t get her out of the kitchen and into the pool.

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” – Bill Clinton

Translation: “I slammed that slampiece.”

Remember: Deny. Deny. Deny. TFM.

“The three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful and a snootful at the same time?” – Gerald Ford

If you aren’t downing booze at lunch, you aren’t getting shit done. For anyone wondering:

snootful |ˈsnoõtfoôl- enough alcoholic drink to make one drunk: they’re tongue-tied until they’ve had a snootful.

“Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. The relative positions to be assumed by man and woman in the working out of our civilization were assigned long ago by a higher intelligence than ours.” – Grover Cleveland

Grover Cleveland would have loved this website.

“America is a Nation with a mission – and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace – a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman.”- W.

Translation: “We are going to take your shit. Peace out terrorists.”

“I am the right.”- W.


“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be President of the United States.”- W.

W. was lying by omission. He forgot to tell the C students that they have to be FaF, and have really good family connections, in order to be President of the United States. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. TFM.

“This is an impressive crowd: the Have’s and Have-more’s. Some people call you the elites. I call you my base.”- W.

It’s as if he was speaking directly to us. Now go to the bar and start a “USA!” chant.

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