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A Few Quick Reminders For Welcome Week

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welcome week college advice


If you’re going to be impressing any wide-eyed freshman girls, your attire better be on point. Any partyboy can wear a Jordan Bulls Jersey; for once in your life, don’t be a vanilla cuck. STAND OUT.

However, that doesn’t mean ditch basketball jerseys entirely. Gotta show off those arms. How else will the honeys know you haven’t been skipping those 12 ounce curls this summer? Just have some originality with what you wear.

Personally, I have spent all summer curating my collection of unique throwback jerseys. From a Flint Tropics Jackie Moon to Magic & Larry college editions, I feel like I’ve already won the week (shouts to China for making extremely affordable knockoffs). There’s no better way to stand out at a party than to be wearing the jersey that makes everyone stop and say, “DUUDDEEE…” Drunk girls sure won’t remember my name, but they might remember Magics. Stunt on ’em.

Party In Shifts

This is an underrated tactic. When you feel your heels on the edge of that cliff, go take a breather. What’s a thirty minute nap if it saves the rest of your night? Watching you launch your insides all over the front lawn isn’t going to do it for that Zeta with the big honkers, so don’t let things get that far. If you are going to puke, take it inside away from everyone so you can at least keep pretending that Admiral Nelson isn’t coming back to bite you.

Daydrinking is only fun if it lasts all day. Follow this simple rule: three hours on, half hour off, three on, half off. Mix a burrito or something in there, too. Take care of yourself. Trust me, it will pay off big time when you’re the only fucker left standing at the end of the night.

Splurge For The Extra Bottle

Grab a fifth of something for the ladies. No need to break the bank; any fruity vodka should suffice. College girls will murder over $12 worth of Svedka. Carry it around, and ask who wants a shot. This is a super easy way to meet new prospects. Ask their name, get some numbers. Think of it as an opportunity to network with the opposite sex. The numbers game says one of them has to like you back at some point, right?

You never know when you might run into your vodka recipients again. Maybe you have a class together. Maybe you see each other at a bar later in the semester. Maybe, by some miracle, she just decides she actually likes you and finds a way to connect. Whatever happens, there are worse things to be known as than the “shots guy.” Make the investment.

Swing Hard

Every year is a fresh start, so come out swinging. Welcome week is not the time to be tentative. Shoot your shot, take that extra base, throw up the Hail Mary. Whatever your sports analogy of choice is, go for that shit.

The new girls on campus may have not yet been informed that you’re a “egotistical douchenozzle.” Put them in a bind. Get them to like you before word spreads, and they might just keep liking you against their peers’ better judgement. Years of teen soap operas have warped these ladies’ perception of how men are supposed to act. Be the bad boy that she thinks she can change.

Even if you do make a fool out of yourself, who cares? Half these people are going to be too hammered to remember your indiscretions, and the other half have a whole year to forget about it. It’s college, so go out there and have some fun.

“”‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’ – Wayne Gretzky – Michael Scott” – Dent”

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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