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Look, I’m not an unreasonable person. I’m just your average freshman living in the average dorms. Like every other 18-year-old kid showing up to campus, I was told that I’ll experience new things and life is gonna be different and whatever cliche floats your boat. I was expecting some wacky shit in the residence hall because of that, and I got some. I mean fuck, man; the guy across the hall fell asleep naked in the middle of the hallway opening weekend and Becky from Delta Gamma came back crying one night because some guy tried to give her a golden shower. I wasn’t even really bothered when I heard a kid jerking off next to me in a stall. That’s all part of the college experience, right? Right.
You know what they don’t tell you about? The motherfucking dorm toilet paper. Imagine my eyes when I go from the silky, luscious land of Charmin Ultra Soft to the dark, desolate land of 1-ply standard issue toilet paper. It’s honestly a nightmare. I mean, look at the fucking bear on the Charmin label! It’s literally the plushiest thing I’ve ever seen, preparing you for the glory of the toilet paper itself. Which — are you kidding me? — I could practically take a nap on that shit. They even take the time to put designs on the sheets. The sheets, Jerry! The sheets!
Have you ever taken the time to look at single-ply toilet paper? I have, and let me tell you, amigo: that shit is depressing. I feel like I’m wiping my ass with a cheese grater. Would you rather wipe your ass with velvet or the used sandpaper in your dad’s shed? Yeah, that’s what the difference feels like. Remember the pain you felt watching “Scott’s Tots” for the first time? Imagine that pain, except it’s physical. Aaaannnnd it’s on your butthole. Not pretty, right?
One of the many questions I have when it comes to this particular issue is this: Who exactly thought it was a good idea to pair these thin-ass ass napkins with the food they serve? Don’t kid yourselves: school-provided food is garbage. We all would rather be at a half-decent fast food joint or eating a home-cooked meal. Not only is the food garbage, but that shit runs right through you. No mercy, buddy. Like an assassin out for cold blood. There’s no stopping it either. My intestinal system surrenders faster than France. Unbeatable. How does the best coach in the NBA, Gregg Popovich, plan to beat the Warriors? “Pray.” Me, and you both, Gregg.
Imagine thinking single-ply toilet paper and garbage school food is a good combination. That’s like thinking winning the Super Bowl and eating horse shit is a good combination, and I don’t go to school in Philly.
Something must be done..
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