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1. Who is the biggest douchebag in the office?
That distinction belongs to Dan. Not only is he from Philly, but he thinks that he can bully me just because he’s big and muscular.
2. What is the most humiliating thing you’ve had to do in the office?
I really can’t answer this one, as my humanity and self-esteem have been withered away to nothing by this point. Shining everyone’s shoes in the entire office was not a high point.
3. Is being the TFM intern like being a pledge again?
No, because pledges at least get to go home to their dorms or whatever at night. When the last person leaves in the evening, they set the thermostat at 55 and tell me that they hope I die of hypothermia. Then they yell at me in the morning because it’s too cold.
4. Who is your favorite TFM writer?
I really like Jared’s writing, but that might be because he’s the nicest to me in the office out of anyone. He actually gave me some of his leftover sandwich the other day. It was left over from three days before, but it’s the thought that counts.
5. What is your favorite thing about Greek life?
I really appreciate the opportunities it’s given me and the people it’s connected me with. I moved across the country to start school and knew almost nobody, but was able to immediately find a group of people that I connected with.
6. What’s your view on the current presidential race?
It’s really nice that we currently have the first African American president, and really shows our progress as a nation.
7. Do you prefer arm or leg day?
My arms and legs are now thinner than the golf clubs that Dorn has me carry around for him when he takes off at 3:30 every day. Come to think of it, that’s the only exercise I get.
8. How would you solve the problems in the Middle East?
I can’t even operate our editing software without fucking it up, so I’m going to refrain from giving my opinion about a conflict zone.
9. Are you going to be the next TFM dude of the day?
I was hoping so, but Bacon told me that I look like “the victim of a fatal motorcycle accident.” I called the harassment hotline for Grandex to complain, and Bacon himself answered and told me to literally fuck my own face. He really is a nice guy, though.
10. You know, you really should kill yourself.
I don’t think that’s a question at all.
11. How much dick do you suck per day?
None. Ha! You guys sure love to clown around. What a bunch of goofballs.
12. Would you rather eat chocolate-flavored shit or shit-flavored chocolate?
I’m going with shit-flavored chocolate. At least with the chocolate, you’re getting flavonoids, fiber, iron, and other nutrients. Even if the shit tastes okay, you’re still eating shit.
13. Would you rather have Cecil the Lion or Harambe as a hunting prize?
Obviously, I’d go with Cecil. Anyone can shoot a gorilla in an enclosure, but hunting a lion out in the wild takes some skill. Besides, I’ve always kind of wanted to taste lion meat. Lion burgers would be awesome, whereas eating gorilla is like one step lower than eating a person. Pass.
If you have questions, Tweet or DM them to @westifer33