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One of the most interesting things to go unnoticed during this past election season was that Puerto Rico has applied to be America’s 51st state.
On the surface, this looks like an easy admission. It has been a commonwealth for some time now, would be the country’s 29th most populous state, and has finally come to a consensus on wanting to join the union. However, I am here to tell you that we should not let this happen.
For starters, this situation feels like a bad case of Beyoncé’s “Put a Ring on It.” I really do hate the song, but it makes for a fun analogy.
It has been 65 years since America gave Puerto Rico the right to elect its own governor, and it took until now to apply for statehood? If it applied in 1950, it would have beaten Alaska and Hawaii by nine years and might have gotten in, but it waited too long and missed the boat.
Puerto Rico is the guy that didn’t want to be tied down, wanted to keep his options open, and now…he’s fucked.
This isn’t even a case of the guy contemplating whether or not to settle for someone he deems less attractive. This is Zach Galifianakis turning down advances by Kate Upton and then deciding years later that it was a bad decision.
Both Upton and America are going to say, “No thanks, you had your chance.”
Beyond this, here are my two main reasons for telling Puerto Rico off:
1. We are not changing our flag.
2. We are not breaking the even number that is our 50 states.
Our flag is a flawless piece of freedom art the way it is, and under no circumstance should we be required to add another star to it and mess it up. I have looked up just about every possible design that would incorporate 51 stars, and I am not sold on any of them. Also, do you have any idea how many things I own with the American flag on them? I would have to take out loans to re-buy everything to incorporate the new design.