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PSA: Stay The Hell Away from Bath Salts

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Why are headlines about bath salts and facial consumption still popping up? The story out of Miami should have been the end of it. Hell, it was enough for me to consider never taking a bath again for fear someone might surprise me with some sex and some salts. There’s only one explanation for these reoccurring phenomena: this zombie outbreak is real and it’s imminent, and bath salt is the apparent catalyst.

Shit people, get a grip already. With knowledge in hand that some guy very recently smoked bath salts, went berserk, stripped down to his birthday suit, hunted down and subdued a helpless homeless man, and gnawed his entire face off, you’re going to go off and try the same shit? The hell is wrong with you? An unidentified woman in New York skipped the casual pregame buzz and went straight to DEFCON 1 before hitting the nightclub scene.

Police in Utica were called to a city bar Saturday night to check out a woman described as emotionally disturbed. When an officer approached her, she lunged at him and tried to bite his face. Police say she screamed that she wanted to “kill someone and eat them.”

And then this one:

Later, police were called to a home where a 20-year-old man was reported to have threatened to kill his mother and other family. Police found the man, Aubrey Vails, had ripped a door off its hinges and was punching a car in the driveway. He was charged with criminal mischief.

Bath salts were involved in both cases. At what point do we begin stocking up on water and canned foods?

Those fucking Mayans, man.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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