My life has been a mess for as long as I can remember, but last year in particular chewed me up and spit me into an empty Shasta can. I spent all of last summer in Austin, which has some of the best grub spots in the nation. Three months of consistently blacking out on Sixth Street before dropping $16 at Whataburger is something that not a single Instagram fitness guru will recommend, and it caused me to return home almost ten pounds heavier in August. Getting back to my normal routine helped out a little bit, but the turn of the new year served as a reminder that left me in a cold sweat for days: I have a lake trip coming up in May.
That lake trip is now just a few weeks away, and I’m happy to say that I feel great about my body going into it. But you know what? That doesn’t matter. Not only do none of you care, but I’m guessing quite a few of you will be bound for an end-of-semester lake trip as well. Because I am a winner and a cool, I’m going to provide you with some knowledge on how to approach the final month of preparation before you get out in the sun. Here’s how this is going to work: I’m going to throw you a conventional preparation tip, we can all have a good laugh, then I’ll hit you with a more practical alternative. Let’s do this.
Normal Tip: Get A Tan
I can see where people are going when they say this. You don’t want to get out on the lake and look like the physical embodiment of a Macklemore song, right? Conventional wisdom says it would probably be worth your while to go outside and get some color before you spend a week under the hot sun, but think about it for a second. Depending on where you live, it might still be too cold to get outside with your shirt off. Plus, you’re probably still dragging around the weight you gained over the winter. So what are you going to do, go to a tanning salon? Hell fucking no, it’s not possible to try any harder than that.
Alternative Tip: Use Filters
If you do your lake trip correctly, it’s going to be a living hell. You and all your friends will be baking in the sun, drinking warm liquor on an empty stomach, and trying to hook up in a sand-filled tent that the wind constantly threatens to dislodge from the ground. Nobody is going to judge you for anything there, much less your pale skin. By the end of your trip, you’ll remember just enough of it to convince you that you were there at all. Instagram lives on forever, though, so make sure to throw on some filters that make you look a bit darker than a wedding dress.
Normal Tip: Start Cutting 6-10 Weeks Out
Maintain a slight calorie deficit, and increase your cardio and number of reps for each lift you do. Ha! You’ve already fucked this up, but that’s okay. Cutting is worse than dysentery, and a complete waste of time. Let’s find something a bit more practical.
Alternative Tip: Adderall
I’m pretty sure the number of milligrams of Adderall you take directly corresponds to the number of hours that pass before you can even stomach the thought of choking down a granola bar. Everyone knows that Adderall is a miracle drug, and chances are you’ll be buying it in good supply as finals loom large on the horizon. You have nothing to lose by taking advantage of one of the most versatile drugs on the planet. You’ll probably lose all the weight you need to, and any leftovers can be used recreationally on your lake trip. What a time.
Normal Tip: Practice Swimming
Not sure if you know this, but you aren’t supposed to swim while on a Keith Richards-esque bender. It would be prudent to get some laps in at the nearest pool so that you don’t, you know, die.
Alternative Tip: Write A Living Will
The last few centuries have seen humanity try its damnedest to tame the nature that surrounds us, but at what cost? Every now and then we get an earthquake or Dust Bowl to show us just how small and meaningless we are, and it makes one wonder if the tide of human progress is just a really long exercise in futility. I’ve been on a few lake trips in my day, and I want you to listen to something I’ve learned: If that lake wants to take you, you must respect its decision. When you can’t fight the current any longer, throw up one last salute and smile, for it’s been a hell of a ride. Be sure to make proper arrangements in case of your death, like writing your will or having your friends play “Space Oddity” on the loudspeaker as you make your final descent into the deep. Check ignition, and may God’s love be with you..