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Here Are Some Pro Tips For Feeding Your Broke, Hungry College Student Ass On A Budget

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empty plate

A startling report out of California suggests that a shockingly high number of college students are having trouble putting food on the table.

From SF Gate:

More than 500 UC Berkeley students have applied for food stamps since January, up from 111 in all of 2016, and just 41 the year before, said Michael Altfest, spokesman for the Alameda County Community Food Bank, which helps students fill out the forms.

A University of California survey of 9,000 students across all 10 campuses shed light on the need in 2015: Nearly 1 in 5 students, 19 percent, said they had too little to eat “due to limited resources.” Another 23 percent routinely ate substandard food with little variation.

College is hard enough as it is, and nobody should have to worry about when they’ll get their next meal. Fortunately, I’ve gone ahead and provided some totally feasible and smart tips for when food supplies are low.

Become A Sorority’s House Boy

Why not get a job preparing meals for and cleaning up after sorority girls? They’ll probably pay you something insulting like $10 an hour, but the real value of this job lies in the perks. For every meal you prepare, you’re going to be siphoning off bits and pieces for yourself. A piece of garlic bread here, an orange slice there — just whatever you can get. The idea here is that if you slip up and get caught, the girls will feel so bad for you that they won’t even say anything. It’s a 24/7 pity party, and you even get paid. What a life to live.

Be Aggressive At Farmers’ Markets

Lots of schools will host a farmers’ market once or twice a week, and you need to get up early and make an appearance. You’re way too poor to buy the Pacific Rose apples, grass-fed beef, and whipped honey butter that the booths are selling, but you just need to get a little assertive with your sampling and your hunger will go away. Grabbing three bite-sized samples off the tray and wolfing them down will show those merchants that you’re a growing boy who’s not to be trifled with (and a potential customer maybe). Two or three laps around the market will get you in touch with your community while warding off starvation for one more day.

Attend Every Exam Review

Refreshments are often provided at review sessions for big exams, and you need to take advantage of that. Hundreds of different courses are going on at your school at any given time during the semester, and that means that dozens of review sessions will happen each month. What you need to do is to basically study for every single exam that there is while pounding those free, Walgreens-bought calories. You won’t get any course credit, and you might just ruin your chances of doing well in the classes you’re actually enrolled in, but those donuts and 100-calorie pretzel bags will nourish your body and prevent you from wasting away.

Kill And Eat Squirrels

Every campus in America has an overabundance of squirrels running around and bothering everyone. Just thinking of the furry abominations makes me shake with anger, and every campus would be better off without their incessant chirping. If your school doesn’t allow you to carry a pellet gun, you’ll have to set up traps around grassy and wooded areas of campus. I’ve never actually tried squirrel meat for myself, and it’s because I’m not a real man. Killing and eating your own food during college will set you apart from your peers and make you a God among men. Happy hunting.

[via SF Gate]

Image via Flickr

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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