Didn’t give us Presidents’ Day off? Well, fuck you. I’m taking the day off anyway. I will honor our country’s leaders by getting blackout, the way our founding fathers would’ve wanted it. Because I am omniscient, I will tell you exactly how tomorrow will go down.
8 a.m. I’m asleep. What the fuck else would I be doing this early? The answer is golfing, but we’ll do that this afternoon.
10 a.m. Breakfast and mimosas on the patio of a favorite day-drinking spot with some sorosties. Have to make sure these girls start getting loose early, so tonight will be like taking candy from a sexy Helen Keller.
11:00 a.m. Drinks at the golf course.
11:30 a.m. Tee off on the 1st hole after shotgunning a beer with three pledge brothers. Crank that shit right down the middle of the fairway. Power draw.
12:30 p.m. Some GDI brought his dikish wife to the links, and has the stones to take his sweet ass time. Fuck that noise. I’m firing the R11 until one of them is dead, or they throw in the towel and get the fuck off my course.
12:35 pm. The course marshal politely apologizes to our foursome for the slow play of the two slapdicks in front of us. At this point we are ready to rage, and it’s past 12:00, so we break out the whiskey.
2:00 p.m. I’ve flipped our cart twice, and I’m pretty sure my PB has a broken arm as a result. Our clubs are fine though; pledge caddies are walking with them.
4:00 p.m. I’m repeatedly slapping the pledge that’s taxiing us back to the frat castle. If you can’t safely drive while being bitch slapped every three seconds, then you don’t deserve to have my tremendously important life in your hands.
6:00 p.m. Blackout nap. Just kidding, rail some Adderall and start breaking things at the house.
8:00 p.m. Meet up with a bunch of slams and start pre-gaming for a night on the town. They repeatedly ask if I’m ok, because I’m grinding my teeth and talking nonstop. I tell them each to make me a sandwich.
12:00 p.m. Sloppily making out with a smoking hot sandwich artist at the bar.
1:30 a.m. Kicked out of the bar for being FaF.
3:00 a.m. Take candy from a sexy Helen Keller.