Premature Ejaculators Are Apparently Just A More Evolved Species According To Science

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According to Mayo Clinic, a nonprofit medical research group in Rochester, Minnesota, one out of every three guys in the United States can be identified as a premature ejaculator. Whether it’s two pumps, or you’re an absolute cock-laying casanova that lasts an entire thirty seconds, you’re grouped together and slapped with the extremely undesirable stigma of being a lesser man, when in fact, just the opposite is true, says science.

From Men’s Health:

“Only in human society is fast orgasm undesirable,” says Dr. Brian Steixner, M.D., Director of the Institute of Men’s Health at Jersey Urology Group in Atlantic City. “If we all had fifteen inch penises and could last two hours like porn stars, we would never have kids and our species wouldn’t survive. Lasting 10 seconds means more chances of kids—more offspring. Our species endures.”

Dr. Steixner explains that a man’s ability to become aroused, stimulate and ejaculate quickly grew out of the darkest periods of human evolution, when we were under constant threat from predators, rival tribes, the elements, and everything else we’ve more or less conquered these days.

Dr. Steixner says he regularly meets with patients desperate to be “cured.” He tells those guys that their condition is normal. In fact, evolution says PE sufferers are actually more evolved than other men.

That’s right, minutemen of this great nation. Rejoice! You’re fucking alpha males. Don’t let any girl tell you otherwise. You’re superior in every facet of the word. Last time I checked, nobody ever gets a gold medal for taking the longest in an individual competition. Do you think Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps want to add to their best time at the Olympics? Hell no. They’re constantly thinking of ways to shave down milliseconds. It’s called being at the top of our game, ladies.

So stop thinking about that pathetic lineup your hometown baseball franchise is trotting out on a daily basis to distract you from getting your rocks off and just let nature take its course. If she can’t accept you for the exceptionally evolved ingenuity of human craftsmanship that you are, she doesn’t deserve you to begin with.

[via Men’s Health]

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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