I’m sure most of you clicked this expecting a ranking that carefully considers the statistics and on-field abilities of the US Women’s National Soccer Team. Sorry to disappoint. I don’t know shit about soccer, so I wouldn’t even know where to begin with a list like that. I do know, however, which of these girls make my pants ripple like the back of the net. In celebration of our nation’s leading soccer ladies advancing to the World Cup semifinals, here is the definitive ranking of the hottest on the team.
10. Morgan Brian
Brian was given the nickname “Plankton” because of her petite size as well as her love of “Spongebob Squarepants,” which are two huge pluses in my book. She also worked her way onto the team after being cut from the Olympic Development Program, which means she’s persistent – an attribute that anyone who’s suffered from whiskey dick can appreciate.
Hotness Level: Turf burn.
9. Tobin Heath
Heath is a self-professed “free spirit,” which means you’ll find her at a hipster bar named “Frost & Exile” or “Wishbone” or some shit. You’ll be drunk enough to ignore the bobbing of her massive adam’s apple as she sips her IPA, and make your approach. She’ll look at your button-down shirt and khaki pants and call you a “conformist,” to which you will reply, “I don’t believe in judging people based off external appearances.” She’ll follow you to your place, whip out a bag of green and a bowl, then lay you down for some super freaky, free-spirited sex.
Hotness Level: Beckham’s bench seat when he played in the US.
8. Amy Rodriguez
— Amy Rodriguez (@AmyRodriguez8) August 18, 2012
Rodriguez squeezed out a rugrat after the 2012 olympics, and she’s already whipped herself back into competition form. Hopefully, this milf did her kegels and got the most important part of her body back in shape, too. She’s married, but just like the game of soccer, don’t let a goalie keep you from scoring.
Hotness Level: Cleat blisters.
7. Ali Krieger
I had never worn protective headgear before, so I was surprised how comfortable, and lightweight the @unequaltech Halo is. The fact that it helps protect me and does not affect ball control made the decision easy to continue wearing it. I have learned the hard way that concussions are not fun. Coming back from my most recent one, the Halo has empowered and bolstered my confidence on the pitch! #WC2015 #NoMaybes (📷: Brad Smith)
After breaking her leg in college, Krieger suffered from blood clots that nearly ended her life. Fortunately, she made a full recovery. That’s what you call resilience. The blood clot she caused between my legs, however, has yet to be remedied.
Hotness Level: Your butt hole after eating food in a foreign stadium.
6. Julie Johnston
Blonde hair. Big, blue eyes. I’d let Johnston juggle my balls any day.
Hotness Level: Your Xbox after a FIFA marathon
5. Kelly O’Hara
A southern belle at heart, O’Hara never thought she wanted to leave her home in Georgia. As someone who spent his college years in the southeast, I met a lot of girls like that, and they are all fucking perfect. I guarantee she makes a bomb-ass pecan pie that you’ll see cooling through a spotless window when you get home from work. Cute freckles, too.
Hotness Level: The top of Wayne Rooney’s bald head after playing in the sun.
4. Sydney Leroux
I hope I’m not being to forward, Leroux, but you’re a fox. You also have a great stroke and a mean header.
Hotness Level: Car fire in a third world country when its team loses.
3. Christen Press
Christen, I know you can last a full 90 minutes, but I’d only need 3.
Hotness Level: A Brazilian summer.
2. Hope Solo
Hope Solo is a keeper. Sure, she had that whole domestic assault thing, but just keep a yellow card on the bed stand to let her know if she’s getting too rough.
Hotness Level: Her temper after her bitch sister talks back.
1. Alex Morgan
Morgan is such a dime, I might just watch them play on TV. But probably not.
Hotness Level: Alex Morgan..