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Power Ranking The Oddest, Most Unathletic Sports Stories From Yesterday

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sports stories christie olympics bartman

Disclaimer: So around 2 a.m. two nights ago, I wrote an article about my newfound spirit animal within the Trump administration: Anthony Scaramucci. Less than fourteen hours later, The Mooch was out of a job. Did I jinx it? Maybe. Here’s hoping this next article doesn’t fuck with the natural order of things. And if it does, hopefully it’s for the better.

It’s been a weird week for sports, so let’s talk about it. The sports headlines I’ve selected for this piece are not based on athletic achievement, but more on disbelief that all this shit actually happened. Here’s a power ranking of the stories ESPN can’t provide stats on.

3. After what will be a 32-year hiatus, the Summer Olympics are finally coming back to the good ol’ U.S.A. in 2028

Unfortunately, when the world’s biggest sporting event returns to America it’ll be in the cesspool of chlorine and botox that two unnecessary NFL teams call home: Los Angeles, California. One of the big parts of LA’s deal to host the Olympics is the reuse of already-built stadiums, as the Olympics are notorious for having cities spend literal billions on high-end sporting facilities only to have them turn into post-apocalyptic wastelands after the games are over. Their new NFL stadium, the Staples Center, and the Los Angeles Coliseum are all going to be used to house events.

More interesting is LA’s plan for where athletes will stay. Normally, you build an “Olympic village” for the athletes that sounds halfway between an apartment complex and a Disney theme park that the government promises to turn into low-income housing afterward but never does. To circumvent that potential problem, the intellectually-gifted folks in Los Angeles are deciding to house athletes in actual college dorms. On the surface, it isn’t a terrible idea… until you think of what college dorms are normally used for. That dorm that you threw up in after your first fraternity party freshman year? Probably where a world class archer is staying. The dorm that overly-touchy R.A. held his resident programs in? Probably where a gold medalist steeplechaser will sleep. The dorm room in which you awkwardly lost your virginity to some girl in your entry level biology class? That might be the place superhuman Michael Phelps calls home for a few weeks. Simply put, Olympic athletes deserve better than freshman housing on college campuses.

2. Chris Christie got into an altercation with a fan at a Milwaukee Brewers-Chicago Cubs game

So this didn’t really occur within the last 24 hours, but it’s still relevant. Look here, Chris: I’ve lived in Jersey my entire life. I’ve seen you at your highest highs of handling Hurricane Sandy like a boss, and your lowest lows of being Donald Trump’s demoted footman. People used to love that gruff, angry side of you, but you’re no longer the lovable oaf with anger management issues you were when you ate that doughnut on Jimmy Fallon. You’ve been demoted to Facebook memes of you in a beach chair.

Getting frustrated and arguing with fans at sporting events isn’t inherently bad, and we all do it. Hell, I once almost fought a guy in the grandstand of a horse race for spilling beer on my Sperrys in what was probably one of my more tryhard frat moments. But Chris, you and sporting events go together as well as Lindsey Lohan and sobriety. You go to a Cowboys game with Jerry Jones and get ridiculed. You catch a foul ball and give it to a kid and get booed for it. Seriously, if anyone else on planet Earth gave away a foul ball to a young kid, it would be the feel good news clip Anderson Cooper runs on CNN for three weeks. Not when Christ Christie’s involved, though. And now you fight with a Cubs fan? As much as I’d love to see you go to a Philly Hockey game to tell a Flyers fan to shove a cheesesteak up his ass, you might want to start sitting out spectator sports.

1. Speaking of the Cubs, the infamous Steve Bartman has been given a World Series ring from the Cubs

I’m torn on this one. I really am. Part of me feels happy for the guy. For those who don’t know, Bartman prevented Cubs OF Moises Alou from making a catch in the 2003 NLCS. Cubs fans, scapegoated Bartman for the Cubs losing that game and then the series, and the dude has received terrible death threats ever since that have caused him to remain in hiding all these years later. Dude shouldn’t have tried to catch the ball, but he’s no criminal. Glad this sad chapter of the dude’s life can maybe begin to end.

On the other hand, the dude gets a World Series ring for doing nothing. Literally nothing. Think of baseball greats like Ken Griffey, Jr., Mike Piazza, and Don Mattingly, all storied baseball players who retired without a championship ring… but Bartman gets one. I’ll let that one slide, though. If they put him in the Hall before they lift Pete Rose, however, I might not be as understanding.

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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