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Power Ranking The Millennial Kill List

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Being born in the mid ’90s means you’re at that weird age group that could be a millennial, could not be a millennial. Mostly, I try to claim as much “not a millennial status” as I can because millennials get blamed for “killing” everything.

Whenever something that was once popular isn’t anymore, and Baby Boomers go right ahead and blame “the damn millennials.” Baby Boomers, I promise you, there is not some secret conspiracy amongst us millennials to get rid of everything you love. Was it always like this? Were there people in 1917 running around screaming “these dang children born at the turn of the twentieth century! They’re killing the horse and carriage!”

If us millennials are going to be blamed for what it seems is the downfall of Western society, we can at least admit some losses are better than others. Here’s the power ranking of all the things us gosh darn millennials have killed.

5. Department Stores and Shopping Malls

You know what, this one I wear with pride. I’m glad millennials have done away with shopping malls. Shopping malls were depressing, dingy, dark corners of society anyway. They were nothing but breeding grounds for Sbarro and creeps of society employed by mall kiosks.

The only people who ever enjoyed going to them were middle school girls who didn’t realize life exists beyond your iPhone 6 and Starbucks frappuccino before they got their learner’s permits. Department stores like Sears have been toxic waste dumps for decades anyhow. And why do we need them when we have magical websites like Amazon? No human interaction needed. I can order everything needed for human survival on my phone while watching SportsCenter in my underwear. Take that, Macy’s.

4. Beer

This one isn’t so much that millennials are killing beer, as much as beer is killing itself. In the olden days, you could roll up to any bar and were expected to order one of the generic, but holy trinity of beers: Bud light, Coors Light, or Miller Lite. Beer tastes have changed, and that’s a double-edged sword. We now have more beers than ever, but also a weird mix of random wheat gluten free concoctions masquerading as pilsner and ales.

And to add insult to injury, any popular, hip, trendy bar doesn’t want to serve beer. They push their new, fuffy drinks with weird names like “Anthony Scarmucci Cosmopolitan” or a “Taylor Swift-a-Rita.” If the names weren’t bad enough, that sad excuse for a drink probably set you back a cool $20. And it won’t get you buzzed. And if beer dies, we instantly lose 50% of prime Super Bowl adds.

3. Golf

Let’s get this straight: Millennials are not killing golf because millennials aren’t playing golf. And it’s not because they’re millennials. It’s because they aren’t the sports core demographic: old rich men. Go back to literally any point in history and golf courses where filled with old rich men and old rich men only. When people say “millennials are killing golf,” they say it like every 20-year-old in the 1950s would go play the back nine in between trips to the sock hop juke joint and worrying about the Cold War.

Unless you come from a family of PGA players or your last name is Trump, chances are you need to grow into being golf’s main demographic. Don’t worry; millennials will be flocking to play golf in about 50 years.

2. Sex and Relationships

Look, millennials didn’t “kill” sex and relationships. They evolved it. Honestly, we owe them a debt of gratitude for it because they changed it for the better. Back in olden days, sex and relationships where different. Some people got stoned at Woodstock and then would go bang in some random tent on Yasgur’s farm. Other people went out to dinner a few hundred times before deciding “ehh, guess we should get married now.”

That was then, but this is now. Now, we have Tinder. Instead of going through that whole ordeal we go on Tinder, match, I tell you to come over in 15 minutes, you do, you leave half hour later, and we most likely never talk to each other again. Millennials have streamlined the process for us! Now we have more time to worry about killing off other things!

1. Applebee’s

There is a specific purpose I picked this one to go first, because if there is anything millennials are killing it is NOT Applebee’s. There are few things broke college kids get more excited for then half priced apps. I went to a small college where one of the only restaurants around was an Applebee’s, so I have seen it first hand. You know that look on an NFL player’s face when they win the Super Bowl, win MVP, and then scream “I’m going to Disney World”? The only other place I’ve seen that same look of excitement on is a destitute college kid’s face when the mozzarella sticks hit $4.

And sometimes millennials splurge and don’t just stop at the mozzarella sticks. They’ll order the wings or soft pretzels, too! This one is all on you Applebee’s. Maybe if your food didn’t taste like microwaved crap for the better part of a decade before this you wouldn’t have to blame an entire generation for your downfall. Millennials aren’t killing Applebee’s. They’re borderline saving it.

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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