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Power Ranking The Lamest Excuses For Not Going Out

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guy not go out lazy laying down

I’m at a weird crossroads in my life. Some of my friends are out there graduated, getting real jobs, and holding down serious relationships, while others are still in college ready to drink the day away seven nights a week. The older and (sadly) more responsible you get, the more those glory days of drinking and going out every day that ends in “y” fade away.

Thankfully I’m not at that point yet, but I unfortunately know plenty of people who are. And when you ask those people if they want to join in on your almost daily escapades, you begin to get less-than-stellar responses. Sure, they may say yes once in a while, but it’s more of a feigned “maybe I’ll go out for a little tonight and have ONE drink” yes instead of the “hell fucking yes I’m ready for anything let’s drink so much we see noises oh my god can’t wait” yes it was a few short months ago. When your friends begin to cross over into this dreaded territory — the demilitarized zone of cancelled plans — you begin to hear the same excuses why they don’t want to come out. Here they are power ranked:

6. “I have to study.”

Out of every excuse someone could possibly have, this one seems the most innocent. It sounds like they’re putting academics before drunk, irresponsible behavior, which appears to be a very mature thing to do. “What a good little student, choosing studying for that exam over friendship and memories to last a lifetime! Memories fade, but GPAs are forever!”

The problem simply is that I don’t care about your grades and neither does anyone, so you shouldn’t either. We all know you’re working on some BS B.A. degree like Cartoon Marketing or Underwater Basket Weaving; it’s not like you’re learning to split an atom and the fate of the world is in your hands. You can study tomorrow, so come out tonight. And don’t try to fool me with this one after you graduate; studying ceases forever once you have a diploma.

5. “It’s raining.”

Bad weather is a very cliché excuse for not coming out. It is very understandable and relatable, but highly overrated. Rain is a pain in the ass, but unless if we have plans to be outside it shouldn’t make a difference. If we make plans to go to the beach, rain’s going to ruin that. If we plan to go to a nice indoor bar, rain shouldn’t deter you unless you’re the Wicked Witch of the West. News flash: roofs exist, and they’ll keep you dry. That’s kind of the job of a roof. And don’t even try to spin it with “but I don’t want to drive in the rain.” Unless your car is a permanent convertible, you’ll find a way to manage. Turn on your windshield wipers and headlights and you’ll be fine.

4. “My girlfriend doesn’t want me to go.”

So I’m inviting you, my friend, out, and you turn down my invite solely because your significant other doesn’t want you to come? Sorry, I missed the memo wherein you announced you lost your own free will and were under the powerful magical spell of the pussy whip. Back in my day, we had a word for that. It was called being held prisoner. I’ll meet you halfway on this one and say that relationships are tough if you’re unfortunate enough to be dragged into one, but you can’t let them control your life. If you’re afraid your girl will get mad if you spend one night cracking open a cold one with the boys, you need to march right in there, reclaim your man card, then use that card to charge a round of drinks you desperately owe your friends.

3. “I’m not allowed back at that place/bar.”

I actually like this excuse because it’s the ultimate put up-or-shut up moment. Worst case scenario is really bad — you’re lying about not being allowed there to dodge the plans and have to either own up to that embarrassing fact or create some convoluted cover-up story. Best case scenario, though, you’re telling the truth about not being allowed back and have to tell me the hysterical and often embarrassing story of why. Don’t skimp on the details, either. If you’ve been banished from a drinking establishment, I need names, dates, and details to feel like I was actually there. Either way, you owe me an explanation. Usually it ends up being the former, sadly.

2. “I’m on a diet.”

I swear to god this is an actual excuse one of my friends used on me. Even scarier, he was being serious: he was actually on a diet and avoided social interaction to stop himself from cheating on said diet. It was a culture shock to say, “Hey, meet us at this bar tonight,” and get the response, “Sorry dude, I can’t. I’m on a diet.” What was going to happen? Was friendship going to make him gain weight or something? Diets are for Jenny Craig and post grad Weight Watchers, not 22-year-old party animals. Since you can’t come out on your diet, what are your other plans for the night? Eating kale and jerking off to vegan-based porn? Sounds like a good time, dude. Maybe you’ll lose a few pounds and get a killer forearm work out in.

1. “I’m tired.”

The granddaddy of excuses, and one I’ve used myself more than a few times. It’s the golden go-to excuse because of its versatility. You can say you’re tired because you were up late doing a group project or working at that exhausting part-time job selling women’s shoes; it’s not like your friends are CNN and going to factcheck you on it. If they really are like CNN, they’ll probably try to factcheck you and be wrong regardless.

A little message to everyone who uses the excuse that they’re “too tired:” get over it. Sleep is for the weak and for the week, and it’s about time you started acting like it. Friendship is exhausting, but God created caffeination for reasons other than to make 13-year-old gamers unnecessarily hyper. Have a few cups of coffee or maybe a couple Red Bulls, get ready, and come out to hang, you pussy.

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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