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Post-Commencement Consummation

Once again, it’s that time of year where students in their last year of school round the final bend of college and begin to catch a glimpse of the shit-colored finish line known as reality. Even though many of us will have successful lives, it is still hard to say that anything will be able to compare to the experiences that four or more years of college can provide. College has been the time of your life, which is ironic since your college activities have probably stripped years from your life. You can fight the inevitable all you like, but eventually graduation will show up. Be prepared, because it will kick your ass into a life in which you trade fearful underlings for world weary coworkers and women who are more likely to file a sexual harassment claim than bake you cupcakes because you live, breathe, and piss awesome. Yes, even bright futures may seem like a drag compared to college, but don’t let that stop you from sticking around during graduation weekend. Many people view it as a social life’s funeral. But most people aren’t aware that during the weekend of graduation, shit.goes.down.

It’s true. All of you underclassmen who dip out of town before graduation to see your parents miss out. Everyone who hasn’t sold their souls and laveliered a needy girlfriend is going out after their ceremony, and they’re going out hard. Their only mission is to have a night epic enough to be respectful of the fact that they will probably never be able to live a lifestyle this despicably glorious ever again. That thought alone should make you want to drink a handle of whiskey, smoke a pack of reds, and raw-dog a rando while doing lines off of the small of her back in honor of your soon to be fallen comrades. The simple truth is that on graduation weekend, people are going to get weird. So why miss out and go back early to a house you can’t destroy just to punish the pledges because you blame them for the shitty weather?

If you are an undergrad and you didn’t stick around for graduation because you thought no one was going to be in town after exams, go ahead and take a lap. Actually make it two, and sprint them. Take one for not realizing that your brothers who are graduating want to rage the second they throw their caps and toss their gowns. Take the second for not realizing that there are going to be hundreds of girls looking to make one last mistake before they ship off to Responsibilityville, population: not your dick. Do you really want to bail out during this perfect storm? Girls are desperate to go out of college with a bang. There is also a decent lack of competition because other boners with the same mindset as you already left. The summer slams can wait! On this weekend your only job is to violate that gorgeous woman who will soon be reporting from the scene of something very serious. “Breaking news! I jizzed on her forehead.”

After whatever local politician or semi-relevant alumnus your school decided to hire finishes their commencement speech, the campus watering holes are going to be flooded with people trying to forget that they just joined a dying work-force. If college is an oriental massage, then graduation weekend is the furiously intense happy ending hand job. The graduation weekend hook-up is not only a sure thing for all of the young guys trying to snag some senior strange either. All the male graduates can easily impress the naïve 19-year-old freshmen girls who think your entry level job actually sounds important. You’re older, she’s a freshman, and you have a piece of paper that gives you the most legitimacy she’s seen in a man since her dad dropped her off the day she moved into the dorms. It’s like fishing with nuclear dynamite. Your job is going to get you a job. You see what I’m getting at here? Do you? You’re going to get laid is what I’m saying.

So unless you have something important to do (you don’t), stick around for graduation. It will allow you to celebrate with the people you love raging with one last time before the real world makes their alcoholism a necessity instead of a sport. Graduation weekend is a weekend filled with ill-advised binge drinking, promiscuous sex, and a lot of stumbling and poorly spelled text messages in between the two. Put another way, it’s a Goddamn celebration, and who doesn’t love those?

 

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jakewgoldman

Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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