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Portland City Government Workers Hazed With Airsoft Guns, Hard Candies, And French Fries

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Bruh, Portland City employees go hard.

Just when you thought your fraternity hazing game was on point, fueled with enough psychological fuckery to make a suspected terrorist in Guantanamo Bay talk (is that still open, btw?), here comes news out of Portland detailing horrifying hazing techniques bestowed on employees. By horrifying I mean most seem pretty damn funny in a college setting.

Willamette Week:

The primary target of the investigation is an 11-year city employee named Jerry Munson, who served as a crew leader on the maintenance group’s “liner crew.”

The city personnel investigation found that for years Munson used a specially rigged high-pressure air gun to fire various hard objects at his subordinates. He allegedly targeted new employees the most

One of Munson’s subordinates, Hayden Rich, reported Munson “shot him numerous times over multiple areas of his body with an air compressor gun” his first day on the job, according to the report. “He said he was shot with BBs, popcorn kernels and hard candies…the air-gun shots were painful and they left welts and bruises.”

Bullying, the report says, was routine. Also on Rich’s first day on the job, Nov. 7, 2016, for instance, he was assigned to clean up the liner crew’s shed. When Munson and another veteran employee named Matt Hoyt returned to the shed from lunch, Rich told them he had finished the task and had nothing else to do. Hoyt, the report says, then dumped some french fries he was holding on the floor.

“Pick them up, bitch,” Hoyt told the new employee, the report says. Rich hesitated, not sure what to do, then picked up the fries.

“Wow, you’re a bitch for life, now,” Munson told him. (Hoyt did not respond to a request for comment.)

Now, I don’t explicitly remember this episode of “Parks and Recreation,” but I’m not against going back to watch every season. Jerry/Larry/Gary did take quite the verbal beating. Maybe it’s the same Jerry from the report, and he’s just now releasing all that pent up frustration? Who knows.

The airsoft gun debauchery is pretty run of the mill. That’s just good clean fun. Plus, if you get shot by a hard candy, you get to keep the hard candy, I assume. I’d go to work everyday hoping I’d get blasted by a grape Jolly Rancher at traveling at 200 mph. Fuck it. Aim that shit right for my mouth, wrapper and everything.

The floor cleaning story is top-notch diabolical though. Just the thought of it gives me ‘Nam-esque flashbacks to the pledge days when you’d be so proud of how well you scrubbed that week-old puke off the ceiling only to have an active member explosively shit to the skies. In hindsight, it was an amazing the human feat, but still incredibly demoralizing. Hoyt clearly didn’t respond to a request for a comment because he’s a little bitch for life, and there’s no shaking that label.

The best part? This Munson guy kept his job. He was only demoted. Ah, fraternity self-sanctions at their finest.

[via Willamette Week]

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El Taco

Either a war hero or war criminal depending on how you look at it

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