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Police Apprehend the Most Heinous, Most Dedicated Fetishist of All Time

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Luke Chrisco, a 31-year old Colorado man, pleaded not guilty on Friday to 8 felony counts of 2nd-degree burglary, as well as 2 misdemeanor counts of unlawful sexual contact and criminal invasion of privacy.

The charges stem from a 2011 Boulder Yoga festival where a woman stepped inside a porta-potty and discovered something lurking in the deep, dark depths below. She immediately ran outside of the toilet to seek assistance from a nearby security guard. Moments later, a tall, fecal-stained man emerged from the toilet with cuts on his body and wearing nothing but a pair of ragged sweatpants.

Can you imagine the amount of butterscotch-colored diarrhea that seeped into his open flesh wounds?

Chrisco immediately fled the scene and the security guard did not pursue – probably because he makes $12/hour, which is nowhere near enough to wrestle someone to the ground who is covered from head to toe in Hepatitis C.

Now, before we continue, let me set the scene: some creepy drifter is resting knee-deep in floaters and shit-water – with his fist squirming around in his underpants – waiting for some unsuspecting coed to evacuate her colon on his forehead.

I’m gonna need some more Cialis.

Chrisco was apprehended about a week later and told police about some additional favorite peeping spots in Boulder, including a Target, a number of restaurants, and the Department of Motor Vehicles.

His gastrointestinal fetish must control his life. Dude can’t even renew his plates without having to rub out to someone dropping heat at the DMV. Poor fella.

Luke, I respect your commitment, but these are some serious charges you are racking up. If you beat this wrap, you should probably cool it on the felonious activity.

I’m sure you can find some teenage runaway on Craigslist to empty a colostomy bag on your head. Or if that doesn’t get your rocks off, maybe you can get her to pop a handful of stool-softeners and treat your chest like a Jackson Pollock canvas. I mean, the most you’re gonna get from that is a misdemeanor soliciting charge – oh yeah, and some serious infectious diseases, but you’re probably cool with that. It certainly beats 8 felony counts.

But, who knows? Maybe it’s the thrill of the act, that is spying on some chick as she turtles out what’s left of a cobb salad, that lifts Luke’s crane. To each his own, I guess.

Whatever the case – we’re pulling for you Luke.

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