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In the many years I’ve had to passively observe Justin Bieber’s fans, aka “Beliebers,” I’ve come to the conclusion that they’re basically a mass suicide waiting to happen. Really, all the Biebs needs to do is give the order.
“Sup shawties. Ey so it’s gettin’ pretty whack as shit down herr on Earf. Peeps be MAD trippin’ on my fly tats and sick beats ‘n shit. Ey yo so I’m finna gettin’ up outta herr an’ if you feel like kickin’ it wiff me, my boyz and my moms told me there’s a hella fly spaceship chillin’ behind the moon fulluh honeys and X-Boxes dat my soul’s invited to WHENEVS! An’ ey guess what? Y’all gots an OPEN INVITE! DOPE ASS VIP STYLE! Ey yo all you gots to do is hit up my fan club. My boy who runs dat shit, I call him Bird Mike, cuz he got a big nose but he fly hahaha, he’ll send you some crazy strong grape drank dat’ll make you hella tired. But ey dat’s okay cuz you gots to fall asleep to make yo dreamz come true. Next thang you know you gon’ be chillin on my dope ass space ship sayin’ sup to moon aliens an’ peepin’ haterz cry down on Earf all sad ‘n shit.”
That would net at least 5,000 deaths.
In other words, Bieber fans are psychotically devoted, but you already knew that. The lengths Bieber fans go to prove their devotion range from weird to misguided to terrifying. What one fan did recently probably falls under misguided more than anything else. She decided to post her phone number on Justin Bieber’s Instagram. Unfortunately for her Justin never replied. Fortunately for us, one hilarious, asshole UT student did. He sent out their phone conversation via Twitter, and it is awesome, because few things are more hilarious than trolling the insane.
— Brandon Smith (@B_Sip) April 21, 2013
Here’s the conversation:
Well done sir. I just hope sending a half dozen images of animals banging, to someone who is likely 13-years-old, doesn’t make you a sex offender…it probably does.