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Company Is Attempting To Rewake The Dead So Grab Your Bat And Prepare For The Inevitable Zombie-Filled Doomsday

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A Philadelphia-based company plans to pump brain dead cadavers full of stem cells in hopes of reversing death and Lazarusing these wilted vegetables back to life. The neuro-regeneration firm Bioquark believes a three step series of injections can reboot the mind and rewake the stiffs involved in their trials.

From Daily Mail:

First, they would harvest stem cells from the patient’s own blood, and inject this back into their body. Next, the patient would receive a dose of peptides injected into their spinal cord.

Finally, they would undergo a 15-day course of nerve stimulation involving lasers and median nerve stimulation to try and bring about the reversal of brain death, whilst monitoring the patients using MRI scans.

This was originally set to go down in India, but thankfully our friends in New Delhi knew the potential consequences and put the kibosh on these experiments delaying the world’s demise in the process. Now these sketchballs are moving shop to an unknown location in South America, and, soon enough, we’ll be hopelessly fighting off an army of athletic, rhythmically-gifted but never on time undead. Power hungry cartel zombies that don’t give you the choice between silver and lead.

These chumps at Bioquark have either never seen one second of a George Romero flick or are actively shifting together the pieces to bring about Armageddon. Regardless of their intentions, they need to be stopped before they can set the wheels for humanity’s extinction in motion.

And Philly gets a bit of a bad rap for some snowballs and boos we may or may not have directed at a jolly, fat asshole in a red suit 60 years ago, but, if we bring about the end of days, there’s really no defending my city. That’ll be on us. So on behalf of the Greater Delaware Valley, I sincerely apologize for your friends and family being ripped in half by blood hungry, juiced up demon creatures sleeplessly terrorizing the planet. Our bad.

[via The Daily Mail]

Image via Shutterstock

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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