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Peyton Manning Is A Dick

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The Comedy Central Rob Lowe roast was great. You should all go watch it. I was especially excited for the roast because Peyton Manning was going to be on it and I wanted to see him scorched. I’m kind of sick of the whole “Peyton is an aww shucks American hero” narrative that has been playing out. I’m tired of him even being in the “best ever” conversation when his two Super Bowl championships were less because of his performance and more in spite of them. I was excited to hear a group of comics itch at the scab of his less talked about past. Like the time he may have sexually assaulted a trainer at Tennessee. Or the time he was accused of using HGH and claimed that the drug was for his wife since she was bulking up for preseason.

I was ready for Peyton to be laughing then all a sudden go straight-faced and wonder, “Why the hell did I come on this show?” But, spoiler alert, that never happened. Nope. Not one joke about him putting his balls on a random woman’s head or taking enough HGH to make his head get so big it looks like you could get into his neck and ride it like a hot air balloon. The only thing that happened was Aww Shucks Manning closing out his set with a Tom Brady ball deflation joke. Almost like he was looking into the camera and saying, “I did it again, Jared. I win. You suck.” You know why this all happened? Because Peyton Manning is a dick.

You have to understand that it’s kind of my life’s work to explain to people why Peyton is shitty. I’m completely biased. I’m a Patriots fan and I’ve always felt like I was on the Tom Brady PR team. I’m like a lot of New England people where I can’t believe they are even compared. One guy was barely recruited then became the 7th string QB at Michigan then platooned with a highly recruited QB his senior year only to beat him out and win two bowl games. Then he comes to the NFL as a 4th stringer and works his way up to starting after a franchise QB gets hurt and then takes that team to the Super Bowl AND WINS.

The other was the coach’s son. Highly recruited then never wins the big one. Picked first in the draft and puts up gaudy stats and plays out the bulk of his career with playoff disappointments until he gets lucky a couple of times. And yet, people can’t separate Brady from his looks and his hot wife and how people from New England are horrible at handling any type of success enough to not hate him. When the deflation thing happened I knew the pile on was going to happen. How could it not? You could annoy an obnoxious person from Boston who would take the whole thing way too personally. You got to take down the guy that was richer and hotter and fundamentally better at life than you. I got that. But I’ll never understand Peyton’s free pass.

I’m not asking you to love Tom Brady. I’m not even asking that you remember how much Peyton padded all his stats with superior receivers and good running backs while playing in a dome for most of his career. I’m also not asking you to go rally in the streets because he allegedly sexually assaulted a trainer then got brought to court for defamation for repeatedly talking badly about the person he assaulted in his autobiography and on TV. I’m also not asking for blood records to test for if he actually took HGH or if it really was his Olympic style weightlifting wife. I’m not even asking you to google “Peyton Manning Intimidation” to see that he may have had some friends visit key witnesses in the HGH allegations so they could get their story straight (I’ll do that for you). Don’t do any of those things. I’m just asking that you look at Peyton through a more cynical lens.

In the weeks leading up to the roast, I watched a few of the comics practicing their jokes at the clubs here in NYC. I laughed at the ones about his alleged sexual assault and the HGH. I watched again on TV when they never happened. But how could that be? How could comics just throw away their most scathing and funny jokes? They didn’t. They were cut out. They weren’t aired because Peyton didn’t want them to be aired. He’s got a persona to protect. He’s got pizzas to sell. He’s got his aww shucks routine that doesn’t go well with a “balls on the head” joke. He came to the roast with his bat and ball, and when everyone else wanted to play with them, he said that they were his and he was going home.

And while he walked out, he made fun of my best friend. Sounds like a dick.

Image via YouTube/NFL

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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