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Petition Calls For The Cincinnati Bengals To Be Renamed The Cincinnati Harambes

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The world cannot change our atrocities against Harambe, the Cincinnati zoo gorilla who heroically died for our sins (Psalms, 3:11-16). But one thing we can do is properly honor his memory. And what better way to do that than by renaming the gorilla’s hometown NFL team name?

A Cincinnati Bengals fan recently started a petition to rename the Bengals to the Harambes, and it’s a team name change that needs to happen. It’s truly the best thing to come out of Cincy since…ever (the bar is pretty low, let’s be honest).

The Cleveland Browns named their team after a former Coach who made a great impact on their city so why cant the Bengals do it as well in honor of a hero who made an impact on their city too! #DicksoutforHarambe

Ending with a strong #dicksoutforHarambe is a bat flip to this home run idea.

It’s about time the NFL gets some much-needed positive PR and stands up for Harambe. I miss him so fucking much right now.

And the support for this name change is strong. The petition had nearly 7,000 signatures when this article was written on Monday morning. That’s 6,800 more signatures than there are Bengals fans, according to a survey I made up for this article.

Even the petition’s commenters feel passionate about the change.

“My dick can’t stay in my pants anymore after Harambe’s wrongful passing. This will hopefully put my wiener to rest, and honor Harambe in a special way that no amount of dicks ever could.”

I, for one, hope this man’s wiener can finally be put to rest. Do the right thing, Bengals. Change the name, change the dicks, change the world.

We’re still waiting for the Bengals to respond to the petition. Hopefully the team remembers that silence is violence. Each passing hour they go without changing the name, six gorillas in America will be brutally murdered at the hands of zookeepers according to the same survey I made up earlier.

RIP Harambe.


Click here to be the proud new owner of this limited edition “Cincinatti Harambes” t-shirt.


Image via Youtube

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El Taco

Either a war hero or war criminal depending on how you look at it

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