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I’ve Been Personally Victimized By The Snapchat Hotdog

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dancing hotdog snapchat

Every summer, some new, stupid, annoying, obsession sweeps across America. Two years ago, it was those goddamn minions from Despicable Me. Last year, it was Bernie Sanders and “democratic socialism.” This year, its that fucking Snapchat hotdog.

I was around when Snapchat first came out, and I’ve always thought that it was a stupid idea. The only good thing that came out of the invention of Snapchat was the ability to easily send nudes… that is until people began to discover this oh-so-magical thing called a “screenshot.” I remember watching television and seeing news reporters go around to local high schools, interviewing parents who all looked into the camera screaming “Oh, the horror that is this Snapperchat!”

The idea of sending little videos or pictures to someone was fun and new for all of five minutes before the app had to find ways to survive. That’s why they started using those stupid filters, which just made it all even more annoying. First was that God awful dog filter that every girl uses as their ace in the hole. Next came the face swap, which produces some things that cannot be unseen. Then, right near the start of summer 2017, we were cursed with the dancing hotdog.

Back in my day, dancing hotdogs were bad advertising for bad restaurants. Hotdogs have a very special place in American society as a barbecue staple and Fourth of July competitive eating competition star, and humiliating them by making them dance is a lame, unsuccessful humor grab. Is there any one reason I’m channeling so much anger and rage toward the Snapchat hotdog? Yes — because there is no reason for it to exist.

Don’t hate it yet? Think of it this way: picture how much you make at your job. Now, multiply that number by about 25. That’s probably how much some beta male with a computer science or graphic design degree is worth because he walked up to Mr. Snapchat and was like, “Woop-dee-fucking-doo I drew all of you a dancing hotdog!” Seriously, a dancing hotdog has about as much creativity behind it as the fifth Transformers movie and some jamoke just made a life off it.

I’ve seen that hotdog so many times that I’m starting to feel personally victimized by it. Every snap I get just has to have that ballpark frank in it. You’re at the beach? Please send me a picture of sand with the hotdog dancing through it; thanks, man! At work? Sure, I want to see that same hotdog do that same dance on top of your paper work! Drunk snapping me? I’ll probably have no idea what you’re sending me a picture of, but inebriated you will probably find a way to make the hotdog a large part of it.

To make matters worse, I hate that smug expression on his face. He’s always smiling with those beady little eyes. It’s like he’s judgmentally staring me down, but at the same time has no soul. Maybe if he had a more melodramatic facial expression, I wouldn’t hate him as much. And what’s up with hotdog boy’s stupid up and down bouncy dance? Where’d you learn those moves from, Snapchat filter? Was it the Teletubbies? It’s just a matter of time before drunk white chicks at the club start imitating it when the DJ starts playing Chainsmokers songs.

When our kids grow up and have their own kids, and those kids go off to school, they’re going to learn about 2017 in history class. Will they learn about important things like the Trump presidency, meme wars, and fidget spinners? Probably. But this year will also be defined by that dancing hotdog, so I have a lot less hope for how positively we’ll all be viewed in the future.

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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